Homage to those first few breaths of the fresh morning air outside! It is a daily precious miracle experience I have very consciously noticed these days. A big pause and I greet the day with openness and gratitude for whatever it brings. I even open my body posture up wide to the day when I step outside.
Yesterday started with a visit to new client and I got the project at a beautiful old property, and then to visit the men at the west end project, last day of it today. A bit of shopping then to the beloved park where I met my old friend M.
We spent 6 whole hours and 5 miles walking and sitting by the river and chatting, having lunch then more walking and sitting, played on a swing, savoured multiple miracles of nature. And me running the business in the back ground, emails, invoices orders etc.
We talked about the method I’ve been using for dropping out of the head into the body felt sensations of feelings, mostly anxiety. I notice when I suggest we do it in real time often people are reticent. Taking note of that, it is understandably scary to turn and lean towards discomfort or inner disturbance, especially when our conditioning has taught us to avoid or run away from it. I’ll send him the Rinpoche video that I used initially for the initial courage to try it out. Noting that I need to do some work on how to introduce this to people.
Then an impromptu encounter with another beloved old friend and her delightful 21 year old son, for an hour of it. Also enjoyable, bit clunky finding common ground for the 4 of us, and also I don’t feel very free with her. She has always been a competitive friend who I watch what I say around so that she doesn’t feel threatened. So it’s a little crushing of spontaneity, how the energy wants to flow out of me and be expressed is filtered strongly through how it might be received.
I felt a bit sad after that and discussing it with M and pondering how to deal with it. Also feeling for the son who is a little lost and also considering what I can do to help. Also have to ask, where inside am I experiencing competitiveness with others? If seeing it in another, it usually means it’s inside here too.
We can’t necessarily be with the same people along for the whole distance in life. We all go at our own pace of developing our awareness, and a light touch and we all deserve compassion, this is one strange journey being in these bodies on the surface of a planet.
How to be with very old friends and family when the structures are so well worn, the expectations and responses, it feels very scripted and predictable at times. And I suppose that is natural and even what people like, that security and predictability from knowing someone so well, you know how they will respond and vice versa. And yet when one party is changing, there’s something different to navigate, a new element. And maybe not very welcome as it is a disruption to the expected order.
Noticing a tinge of sadness I suppose that I’m not feeling as close. Maybe I’m feeling a little lost in general when it comes to interacting with friends these days. Depth of communication is quite rare. That pal M, well I feel so at ease in his company (when he isn’t being reactive!), communication is deep and wide ranging, and I feel so free to be who I am around him. It’s a joy.
Though on this path, I’m aware it’s not for getting too attached to others in a personal way, but still, at the end of an encounter there’s a wanting of more. That feeling of not being alone. It is okay, can let go of that.
Asleep by 9pm last night. Today it is pay the wages, then meting an old friend (from way back in primary school!) then to visit the other team in the countryside. Then the intention is to catch up on design work which I’ve not been feeling like doing. Let’s see what happens.
Been unwrapping my super duper beautiful bird feeding station for my garden allotment this morning, and the new seating has arrived. Some treats for me, visiting friends and the birds.
Not many thoughts in this head. Can sense this mind doing it’s little scans for possible perceived problems to focus on. No problems for it though. All there is to do is feel gratitude.