Starving thoughts of Attention

Back at the kitchen table. Another sunny one and quite a lot on today, relatively speaking. A new client at 10, then to the men in the west end with the new pressure washer. Then meeting a friend for a walk and lunch in the park. Invite to a wedding reception tonight, don’t see that happening.

The new pressure washer was delivered by an Amazon driver, a woman clearly struggling. I helped and I gave a tip for the first time ever to an Amazon driver. And that got me thinking about why we tip food takeaway delivery drivers but not the Amazon and other drivers that deliver our multitudes of ‘stuff’ all day long for not much money. I put a suggestion on one of the FB local community pages that we all start tipping drivers locally, and wow, that turned out to be controversial! Lot of people were very annoyed. Lot also supported the idea.

And an impromptu little lesson on being okay with not being liked or approved of! and I was okay with it. On hindsight to suggest what people do with their money could be seen as a bit cheeky.

Yesterday there was a walk up the river and a sit by the old spring in the field at the edge of the woods. The sound of it so sweet. The whole experience of moving through nature alone, the new flowers appearing, getting their shot at light before the woodland canopy closes over.

Then visited a pal’s mum with dementia with some food and stayed a little while. So odd, the normality of conversation mixed with the muddled reality of her mind. What a mystery life is.

Like in a dream the other night I was told that ‘Tralala’ was Latin for Lion. Wtf?! It’s not of course. It’s Leo.

And back here. Old old pal arrived for an hour. Before leaving he told me he loves and appreciates my friendship. How lovely. Think that was quite a big thing for him to say. It was nice and I am happy to receive the love, all for spreading the love out loud. Also noticed a certain sense of being untouched too. Not taking it personally, no validation from it. Not needed perhaps now?

Interesting how life gives love and validation freely when I’m no longer needy of it. And gives influence and power when I don’t need it to puff myself up, and gives money and resources freely when it’s no longer important to me.

Then back out to the woods for an evening walk and flower worshipping session.

Allowing the experience of not having many thoughts, noticing what happens. How much easier to really be there directly in life.

And then the incoming bombs of rampaging chit chat starts up again, bla bla bla about this or that conversation which has happened or which might happen or just something. The head wants to think and doesn’t really care what about. Almost all entirely unimportant.

It is interesting to notice the contrast, how it takes me away, removes me from this direct experience of life. If I live in my head and thoughts, I’m pretty much not even there. Why would I waste this one precious life like that!

Okay yes, it is no easy feat to undo that habit but can be dropped little by little. As it feels safe to. I honestly thought living through my thoughts and constant interpretations and reinterpretations of everything would keep me safe. It’s like a pointless addiction, and I thought I needed it. Gradually weaning off it and seeing what happens. So far so good, only expansive loveliness!

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