I keep getting this recurring sense that I am not making all this happen. And that instead it is best if ‘I’ stay out of the way and let it all unfold as it ‘wants’ to.
Staying out the way means not indulging the scary stories in my head of what could go wrong, and definitely not acting on those.
So I let the day carry me, and play this part in the show. The show that is an ever changing display of colours, sounds, light, feelings, encounters, activities, shapes and the whole multitude of arisings.
Living like this doesn’t seem to be effecting the practicalities of life. Everything is still getting done, and with about a quarter of the thoughts and about a tenth of the fear that I would normally have.
There is a stability about this. Without fear there is a big open space for the ‘what to do next’ answers to arise and with a seemingly perfect option and timing. In fact the question is barely asked, I just find myself in the doing of it. Very little thought if any it seems. I don’t need to talk to myself all day long in my head!
What to do next seems to come out of ‘nowhere’ which I suspect is just the big open space left by the absence of fear.
I find that it’s time to email that client about a start date, text the guys about a holiday coming up, pay an invoice, put the laminator on, clean the sink, have a shower, feed the dog, go see a client, do counselling, water the plants. All happening with complete ease and absence of thought and fear. How can this be, it is a complete mystery to me and has taken me ages to trust it.
Thats because I thought I needed copious amounts of fear to keep life functioning, to keep myself in line and disciplined. The previous mode of action came from a fearful ‘I better do this immediately’ ‘I’ve got to do that now or else this (bad outcome) will happen’.
Now all these things happen in their own perfect time. No need to bully myself with anxiety. I’m pretty delighted to have discovered this other way of being.
Fear does actually arise regularly, and now I just notice it and don’t automatically flinch away unconsciously as I’ve normally done. I relax with it’s arising and allow it. Say hello so to speak. I’m not afraid of it now. Although I still often have a little bit of an ‘oh oh, here it is’ fear reaction to noticing it has arisen and is present. Then I remember that there is an effective and kind way of navigating with fear. Lean in towards instead and allow, relax with the fact that it is present. No point in denying it, trying to replace it, or squash it. Just give a little space around the sensation of it in the body. It doesn’t stay long when I don’t interfere.
It has been a long time coming, from back when I fantasised about using ‘The Force’ (as in used by the Jedi 😂)to make decisions. but there was far too much fear to trust the way life wanted to naturally show me. I lived to a large extent driven forward by fear of things going wrong. I’m experiencing tremendous gratitude for all these moments experienced that are relatively free from fear of fear.
Welcome to how the non-anxious population live is this I wonder, if there is such a population?!
I love how you are writing about your process. This zooming in on it. Like with a looking glass zooming in to look at the details of the process of dealing with the feelings in everyday life.
It is very helpful for me to read this. I feel encouraged to try to handle difficult emotions the same way you are dealing with them. Thank you for sharing your process here.
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Thanks Karin. I really appreciate you chumming me along through all this. Love to you xx
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