Here sitting at the kitchen table right now, where real life happens through the senses in this present as it flows to the next and next and next moment, constant change. Though I’m going to dive into some recent events with my head shortly.
Everything going on in life, with the dog, friends, therapy clients, and the business clients, employees, suppliers designs seems to be happening without much trouble, and with seemingly much less involvement or control by me.
Something is set into motion and then it runs all by itself. I don’t feel anywhere nearly as much stress as before now that I have ‘removed’ myself. Hardly any worry thoughts. And wow, Do I feel grateful for that.
I’m also feeling contraction inside just now as I process a brief family encounter from the weekend. Shadow work. It’s hard for me to even be honest in my responses here about it. Probably because anything I say is a thought, an interpretation, judgement, and I could analyse it till the cows come home.
I think it’s mostly how I judge myself around them. Where is that coming from? I float through life these days and hardly ever criticise or reflect on myself negatively in condemnation. Yet I do that around my mum and sister, especially when they are together. It might come from an old experience, and/or belief that I’m not liked and so it is maybe just in my mind about how they view me.
I saw a harsh reactiveness in a response I had towards my mum. I judged myself for that, it was not very kind. I was triggered by her over emotionality. Yes I’m judging her. I talked a lot about business which bored me and I judged myself for that as I didn’t want to talk about me……but they asked about it I suppose. Found myself apologising for talking about myself.
Then also talked way too much about my inner life which they didn’t understand at all. Why the heck did I do that, even go anywhere near the journey into unity with everything. That’s how to lose who you are talking to in 3 seconds 😂 Some things I think made sense to them, like how we don’t really know each other due to the long history together.
So I saw self criticism arise, judgement. I can get a bit ‘high’ and carried away when talking about myself. Might be living alone and having a rare interested audience. 🎶 Judging me judging you 🎶 ….Judgy judge judging judgingness 😂
So leaning way back inside here, just allowing it all to bubble to the surface and be loved.
‘Chinese bronze sword with turquoise studded, gold inlaid rock crystal hilt, Warring States Period, 4th-2nd Century BC.’