Yesterday turned out to be unexpectedly social. I was glad for the company on what was an odd, out of sorts uncomfortable day.
Then a therapy client at 6pm. Taking her into her anxiety and through, with practices in real time and sharing her discomfort. Actually being with the anxiety, turning towards it and developing some acceptance.
We all might as well, if suffering is what is happening we can just face it. It helps to borrow a bit of courage and get used to doing it with another who is used to it.
What is playing out here right now though is the realisation that this ‘me’ character is fading. Dissolving. And a goodbye taking place. There’s a sadness in that. And it is trying to assert itself with some attempts at self concern, imagined slights, and other imagined worries and things that might go wrong to get attention.
All that work on this ‘me’ in an attempt to make her wiser and kinder, only to discover that it’s the concept of a separate me that isn’t true at all.
I have been trying to make this ‘me’ more selfless when that self didn’t actually exist. Gosh. I knew that selflessness is what it looked like to be enlightened, the result of it, so I tried to make this self selfless. I saw that equanimity is demonstrated by those who have realised enlightenment and wisdom, and joy, and lightness. So I tried to make the me into those things only to see that it is the complete realisation that the me doesn’t exist that results in that very equanimity, wisdom lightness and selflessness. No fiddling around with the personality required! Just a complete surrendering.
That’s what those who are enlightened ones have realised. They found that the truth they were looking for was already here. Just a few beliefs to be shed, and we are what we were looking for all along.
They say pain is the price of freedom. The pain can get pretty intense, I feel as though I’m dying at the moment! Not really but there is a lot of discomfort.
Maybe I need to take some of the medicine I’ve been handing out.
What is it, what is happening inside in the body right now? A strong tension in the body. A tightness and contracted feeling in the throat extending to the chest area. I put a hand there to acknowledge the feeling. Breath a few times. Just noticing, that’s all. Allowing the feeling to be there. To communicate something if that’s what it wants to do. Mostly it just wants to be acknowledged.
The magic is having the courage and kindness to turn towards rather than away from our feelings of suffering. And repeat over and over and over again till it becomes second nature.
Isn’t life mysterious.