Ebbs and Struggles

Third day of this migraine. Headache just humming away in the background. Not that sore but draining. Starts up again right after waking. Funny how they go away during sleep.

Where has the bonhomie gone?!

Notice the thoughts being generated have been pretty mean, snippy and critical towards everyone and everything and uninspired in general. Not that many of them though thankfully. Mostly blank space being experienced and low energy. Could be my ego throwing a subtle tantrum as it senses it gradual demise. This is where being part of a sangha and having a teacher really helps for orientation on this path. Quite easy to think you are lost, when it’s actually a normal part of the process. Can’t be all happy flappy times.

Not feeling loving nor the feelings very warm or anything much actually. They seem a bit shut down. I’ve had to come out of ‘coasting along’ in the love and light mode into taking action to purposefully connect with feelings inside. Was doing it last night when I woke up a few times. Purposefully connected with bloodily felt sensations and emotions.

What is going on in here to cause such a contraction of feeling? Drop out of my head and into the body, and what is felt? A kind of numbness like sensation. Okay be with that, give it space…let see what it wants. Just to be allowed often.

Normally in this kind of low energy space the mind would home into something to worry about, yet there’s not much to focus on. I can notice it scanning for things that it thinks it should/might be worrying about.

It has attempted to rile me up about both projects this week. I have a few things to do to ensure smooth execution of the finish. Nothing I’m concerned about though. Managing some client expectations. I know it will be done just fine and there is nothing to worry about. Not even financial pressure. So my threat detection system is somewhat out of a job right now.

Yet I’m not feeling the love I normally have inside and around me. Just a sort of blank nothingness. Haven’t felt like speaking to anyone for a couple of days. There were even thoughts that nobody cares about me, which is unusual as I don’t think like that ever. I normally view us all in this life thing together as a big team who love each other, even if it’s deep down!

The ego at it again. I was a bit sunk at the thought of that, as a little girl part of me wanted to tell someone I wasn’t feeling well. Who to tell though. My mum would be all over it and I’d have to manage her exuberantly caring response 😂 When you have a partner you would tell them you feel unwell and they would show concern and ask how you are and maybe look after you. That is not my path and I accept that. Living alone is completely fine for me.

I’ve noticed an increase in underlying tension the last 2 weeks. Nails have been more nibbled than usual. Related to the inner process going on that has layers of fears coming up. More tangible ones first and now less so, more existential. Truths beckoning to be digested and integrated. No mean feat! This is what they talk about when they discuss this path involved discomfort.

The 3 therapy clients I normally have yesterday and today are off for Easter, which has been perfect timing. Not sure how much I could be there for them right now.

That’s all I have today! 9am and exhausted. Will go and see the team across the other side of the city, and see the ones in the countryside tomorrow. Dog has the groomer at 1pm and maybe a walk after that with a friend.

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