I’m struggling today, migraine started yesterday and lying on the sofa now. Feeling low energy and mood. Can’t find anything I feel like doing, reading, watching. It’s all too much – something about a migraine asks for minimum input. Managed to plant a few Hollyhocks at the allotment in the morning, then a short walk to satisfy the dog. Struggled with both actually.
Contemplating that one of the tough aspects of this path is the falling away of some aspects of life that seemed important, that I am attached to. There’s much of that. And if one is committed to the truth whatever the price, what falls away can be unexpected.
I know what is left is a beautiful distillation of aliveness and beauty and love but while in the experience of letting go of what I was attached to, it can suck quite a bit.
For example, I had an idea that steak pie and organic potatoes would be a dinner I’d enjoy last night. It used to be a favourite and I felt like some comfort food. I cooked it all and couldn’t really eat it, it was actually repulsive. The meat, the pastry, even the potatoes. The dog was happy about that though.
Mostly what is noticed right now is how difficult I’m finding friendships. It seems to be hard to find company who will put up with me and that I can enjoy these days! I am feeling lonely just now and also increasingly unwilling to compromise in order to have any company. Any company used to be better than no company. Maybe this is some kind of transition.
I do love other people’s company, sharing and exchanging ideas and laughing and listening and exploring together…..however, this path of in depth surrender and self enquiry does seem to require a giving up of nearly everything I cling to and hold onto in the outside world. All external sources of satisfaction and specifically any areas of neediness and attachment.
Realising that the more completely I trust this process into of awakening into freedom, the fewer people I can relate to. I can on a chit chatty surface talk way, and less and less in any kind of satisfying level of sharing with any depth. They really don’t want to know about this route I have chosen, and I don’t blame them. So hard to talk about and requires a barely making sense to the intellect level of trust in something very intangible.
I notice the sadness of loss, and discovering the futility of trying to find satisfaction when it isn’t to be found outside. A neediness for relatable company on what is a solitary path.
Nearly every current relationship and friendship requires a compromise to keep going these days. Finding something suitable to discuss that people can relate to is not easily happening when I’m not interested in anything going on out there in the news, in fixing society, giving or listening to opinions, or their or my day to day experience recounting or superficial chat.
What to do? Be alone more I guess, to be congruent. Notice the neediness, be kind to that. And face being alone on one level, which has been a bit of a theme in life.
Life around supports and nurtures. The countryside, nature’s wonders, the flowering Amaryllis in front of me here. This cosy flat, the gorgeous dog, the many new friends on the internet on the the non-duality path, the abundance of good food available, the comfy car, the spring air, the clients supporting a business, the therapy clients whose journeys I am honoured to be part of. There’s more than enough money. Well supported and grateful for it all. This too will pass.