And each apparent failure to do that is not a failure. Lying in bed waking, dipping in and out of sleep and vivid dreams. I arrive with a lot of thoughts chit-chatting away.
Feels like being shouted at, instructions and insistent promptings about what I need to do, what I need to not forget to do. I watch them as they arise and fizzle out. They are bored back to wherever they came with a sheer lack of attention. Normally they get a decent reaction from me, at least some anxiety in response.
I actually got a little excited with the idea I might feel some anxiety, it has been a while! So I go inside to locate anything in the body and yes there are some sensations to take note of and allow, though not my old pal anxiety. Not the usual version of it anyway. Some tension. Could it be that the fear has learned to hide deeper or take a different form? It’s not lovedupness being felt right now so there must be some resistance/fear going on. Will take note and be with that today.
Reactiveness isn’t completely absent from day to day life. I noticed a little reactiveness yesterday. Lot of chit chatty conversation was happening with friends that I wasn’t interested in, so a slight clenching inside was noticed, as I resisted what was taking place.
And a little reaction when I saw M was there, an ‘oh oh here comes trouble’ thought….and a little reactiveness in the phone to my friend S. I fall into an expected script with her, and it’s not spontaneous, or at ease as I experience it. It’s a kind of falling into line, dictated by nobody, just expectations…which act like a stranglehold on spontaneity. Useful noticing of reactiveness as it arises.
So this morning I went inside and didn’t find any anxiety in it’s usual form. I felt the disturbance of the ripples, the noise of it. Mostly just noticing a blankness, a void, and nothing to do about that, just be with it, and then a slight ripple of anxiety about that.
‘Just being’ never did go down well with this busy head, which prefers drama and action of any kind over just being.
I have an inkling that for where this process is at just now, there isn’t a map. This brain can’t help much with its tools and strategies. It’s a trusting ‘feeling into’ thing now, a surrender to the mystery.
Yesterday was a no work day, met a friend N to choose carpets and then brunch at a busy corner spot people watching. A whole lot of conversation about geopolitics and government and a lot lot of complaining about how things are. It’s kind of normal for most people I think. While I did participate, its felt as clunky and clanky, and observe how it tears the fabric of the beauty of the moment. Festival of complaint. The problem with indulging in ‘preferences’. Now I’m complaining about complaining 😂 And this is the perfect present and these are the good old days, remember that.
A little ragged after that, and over to the beloved park which the pal N is now claiming as his garden too, since he is moving over here. So we went to some favourite spots and sat and loved into nature.
Then for lunch and happened across another beloved friend M who is often a whole lot of big ripples in the calm pond surface trouble but we managed all of us to coalesce in some sort of harmony. Still more geopolitical nonsense I try and fail to have strong opinions about.
And so out there in the park for over 4 hours. Wow. And the payroll got done, and emails and texts from the park. Guilt about barely working didn’t occur. Life doesn’t collapse when I surrender. Take note mind and be soothed by that.
Today after chatting here, there’s a half hour trip to see the team I haven’t visited this week in the countryside by the coast. Project nearing completion, so a little input of support, “well done”s and encouragement and some client expectation management. The wages and taxes have been paid.
There’s a whole long weekend ahead with nothing planned barely at all. Quiet as can be here. There’s not a lightness inside, I notice a heaviness. Just be with it, feel into it. Allow.