The days seems to disappear in a blink, as do the weeks. Thursday already and this week has carried this little chariot along experiencing things….seeing friends, going for walks, attending to business, seeing therapy clients. Life seems to just happen and without much active effort. Yet activity happens.
That is something I’m observing. Quite a lot is going on and there’s a belief that still rolls out it’s idea that I should be making more effort. A LOT more effort.
Twinges of discomfort arrive regularly and stay for a good while at times. Often because of the lack of ‘efforting’ going on. Then come scary thoughts and I feel waves of fear. Some to be dropped instantly. Others get to run on for a few till they are noticed, especially on awakening in the morning. Like this morning.
“What if something is going wrong and I’m not even noticing because I’m so relaxed. Wouldn’t that be just foolish?! You could be ‘caught out’, humiliated for thinking you are safe, and this sense of safety will prove to have been self delusional.
You can’t really really relax with this amount of uncertainty going on, look how life is constantly changing. You’re resting on your laurels right now but shouldn’t you be preparing for leaner times? Yes you should!
Shouldn’t you be DOING something to make things more certain?! And make the future more predictable, and then maybe you will get to feel safe.”
Hmmm. Im not sure about that safety achieved from trying to create certainty. Maybe I’ve just never experienced it so haven’t become convinced.
The anxiety arrives, short waves of it lasting minutes and longer waves lasting maybe 15-30 mins. I’m not so scared of allowing it now. And if it wanted to stay longer that would be fine. Just a new habit of approach to practice.
I’m not turning towards it with allowing with the aim of trying to get rid of it. More because I’m curious and also it’s just being more honest with myself about what is being experienced. And that is quite a fun behaviour experiment. Not turning away from it any more or trying to at least, with denial, antidotes, positive thinking to try and replace it.
And what seems to happen is that the feeling moves on its own anyway, and dissipates, or something. Though I hardly even notice as by turning towards it I’m already feeling fine with it being there. The charge of it is lessened with a little kind attention rather than trying to make it something else.
I had it in bed this morning as I awoke. Couple of impending business actions required, 2 projects ending and another to start. Though I don’t have 100% certainty about the latter, I just sent the revised up price yesterday. The doubt around that made a ripple of doubt that we would all be okay. The mind imagined its usual disaster scenario mode….no work for the men, and then produced some actions I could take if that happened. urged me to make contingencies, get on with the other 3 designs.
All the above happened in seconds and before I knew what was happening drifting out of sleep, bang, anxiety is here. And I make myself comfortable physically and I just relax and be with it. Its not scary. It is okay, there’s a little suffering, and anxiety is visiting right now. Drop into the body, notice where it is felt and give it space. End of drama.
What no drama! Yep. No drama. We are going to be just fine without the constant agitation of this nervous system. Getting to settle into the peace of this allowing all the feelings.
I notice how the mind rarely has anything nice to say like – ‘You are going to do so well at this. You have got a great future ahead of you, and you are going to shine’. How interesting. Our own little onboard threat detection alert system. We don’t have to believe every thought though.
That all sounds so incredibly familiar. It describes many of my days perfectly.
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