Strange night in and out of sleep. Not sure what the what is going on. Lot of blankness it seems, like a kind of a dumb duhhhh. Or a free flowing unpredictable more expressive lalala. Not so much anxiety for sure. Thoughts come these days tempt the mind to suffer, to fear some possible awful upcoming outcome, but they don’t last or don’t seem to get a good hold now.
That’s how it is at the moment anyway, staying humble about it….as no idea how this will unfold. Could very well be in a state of intense anxiety later today or tomorrow! I’m not trying to keep anxiety away incidentally, just noticing that because I’m turning towards it so often it doesn’t build up so easily. The peaks are smaller and shorter.
Staying in the ‘now’ makes all the difference. I’m constantly grounding myself in the senses, breathing, noticing touch, what is seen, heard. The mind can’t wander here.
I don’t believe the thoughts automatically any more. I recognise the feeling of the thought more quickly now and just drop it. I just say ‘Naaa’ inside. I know where this wants to go and it’s boring. Drop. All is well. End of. No story.
Plus I think that core knotted backed blockages of big fear in my body from the past has been dissolving. As I have been learning to turn towards it with kindness. So the scary thoughts maybe just aren’t so sticky. Or that’s how it appears to be just now.
There’s been a lot of ‘work’ emotionally these last weeks. Of turning towards the feelings inside as felt in the body. I think that focus has allowed them to pass info back to my consciousness on what is still being held onto, what is sneaking about trying to retain a hold on its territory. What Is still being hidden from. Kind of outing the ego games still at play. Hence the lists of the ego games I notice. Naming them helps a lot. Old beliefs and outworn strategies. Blessed and thanked and bye bye.
I have been turning towards any inner discomfort recently, pretty much as soon as I notice. I am a caring attendant of the suffering now! A whole lifetime of turning away, and now I know that turning towards it is a healthier option. So to say hello and maybe even put it into words by saying ‘Noticing there’s a feeling sensation of fear, well hello there, I hear you, do you have anything you would like to communicate?”.