Much excitement has been arising inside about how far this relaxing into the present can be taken. A kind of clinging appears in the form of watching so many videos about it all…..there’s some fear that reassurance is required. Yet all that is being experienced is peace here in the moment. And yet when peace arrives, fear does shortly after it. Think I just need to do this, read and watch about it a bit less, and allow.
I notice this mind chit-chatting away as I’m walking along the river edge in the field where the willow trees blossoming. I don’t even notice those for a while as I have been removed from my direct experience of the present. Removed myself by living through my mind, and allowing inconsequential thoughts about this or that conversation or event that happened or is planned to happen, about people I know, or used to know.
What a habit we have got ourselves into. We live through our minds which remove us from directly experiencing life. Wow. Imagine choosing to miss life like this! Let’s stop that and start being here, it’s time to really be here, allow the intimacy of it.
I return to the aliveness and peace of the moment that was always there. I start to notice more. Nature talks and shares secrets. I watch the blossoms flow down the river and learn about flowing with the current. All around there are multiple metaphors for our own inner experience.
And so this process continues, and still nothing bad is happening. That’s was always the big fear. If I relax too much and feel safe then something really bad will happen as I will have let down my guard and not notice it coming. This is being daily noticed and attended to with kindness. Somehow the conditioning taught that feeling safe and relaxed is dangerous. I patiently untangle these knots.
I know how to be kind to these shy fears from the little me, not used to being directly looked at and turned towards. I turn towards them and tenderly give them space to be noticed. To be there. The little tight fist in the chest loosens a little. I stay with the suffering of the feeling and it loosens a little more. It’s okay, I’m here and you are heard and supported. Compassion. I stay with it, and stay. And it moves and dissolves after a while. All it wanted was to be allowed to be there, to be heard.
The day yesterday….well that big project I mentioned is going ahead. Which leaves me relatively free for 3 months or so as the men have work now. More freedom! Gosh. So I basked in this and allowed some relaxation and peace yesterday. Up the river to find that my woods were already occupied by big hairy things with pointy horns so we didn’t go in, said hello to them and back to soup and cake at the restaurant outside.
Back here for some hours from 1pm then out again for a walk to the allotment. And there was an actual snow shower! 19 degrees 2 days ago and now snow. Nature shows us. Change change change. No hanging into anything. We have to go along with it. Metaphors and teachings everywhere.
Such stability this is. This. Right now in this moment. Cars are passing, the morning sun rising, toast is being made, warmth is being felt. Little by little happiness is coming out to play more often, no longer held down by the fear. I sing out loud to the dog and have a little dance and acclimatise to this new energy. It’s light and fun and playful.