Diary entry – a Tuesday


So much seemingly taking place and yet ‘I’ feel very little to do with it. It’s as if there is just a continuous stepping onto ground already prepared.

A therapy client late morning and I went a little further with the dropping into feelings work I have been having beneficial results with, both with myself and with other clients.

Just going inside with myself and with them, in a minor way, not going into any too heavy trauma feelings….minor generalised anxiety type of feelings. Gradually gaining confidence by taking small steps. I added some imagery that I picked up from the PS session I had and the client reported back that they found it helpful. That was a foot into unknown territory for me.

What I am doing is the practice outlined by Tsoknyi Rinpoche.

To drop out of the thoughts.

Straight down into the sensations of the body.

Simple.

What is noticed, what is felt there in the body?

Perhaps a slight tightness in the chest or the stomach or elsewhere. Perhaps identifiable as a particular feeling, could be anxiety, anger…..next just to allow. Allow it to be there this feeling sensation. Visualise making a little space around it. It can be there for a while. And breathe steadily in the background. Saying hello kindly to the suffering feeling sensation, let it know we are here for it. And just be with it for a while longer. And after a while maybe we feel it moving or changing and to just notice that.

The client had a more traumatic old feeling from childhood that she identified after the little 5 minute session. I asked if she would like to go back in and revisit it and she did. So this time after going through the procedure above I asked her to visualise it, does it have a shape, a colour, a texture of some kind. And after about 5 minutes we came back to conversation and she reported it’s shape and said it was the first time it had ever taken a shape and that it was very helpful to her. To have something tangible to identify the experience that happened and the feelings that went along with it. It was a traumatic experience that happened several times so I didn’t want to linger there. Not feeling experienced enough, and to avoid re traumatisation.

Then a visit to the other construction site via the post office to pick up a package of nails and we chatted drills, saws, building work. Beautiful beings, and fun lovely men. Living their lives. Bringing up children. Doing a good skilful job. And had a chat with the happy client.

Such a schizo life I lead these days. A contrasting life, also enjoyable, and challenging. Many many good lessons learned from being in business.

Then up the river with the dog. I noticed my thoughts were very loud and chatty and numerous. So I would walk for many minutes and realise I wasn’t present at all, I was inside listening to the utterly pointless chat! instead of being there, actually submerged in this moment. I brought myself back over and over. I put on the Dzogchen Longchenpa recordings and that helped. Might as well fill the space with that if I’m unable to access the spacious awareness myself.

Went to the field, a swing on my branch and sat down in the grass. Just being in the sun. Dog happy, cows munching away, crows cawing. Space to be. Then to the Edwardian Tearoom and lunch. A little pleasant interaction with the public and back here via the supermarket. To the sofa where I remained till bed time at 9pm.

Lot lot of resting going on these days. And last night asleep before 10pm and over 8 hours of blissful sleeping and much awakening from the early hours and tuning into the Dzogchen recordings I had playing again all night. I had beautiful dreams of Sean and another with M. Kindness and love present. They are here, and not too. Dreams, huh!

Nothing much planned for today. A meeting at 11am with a client whose project has been designed and priced and perhaps if the Force allows she just says go ahead. And I don’t have to rush to line up more work for the guys in any hurry. Then a walk up the river and lunch. Practise being fully present in the senses.

I’m filling this space with words here I realise. A fear reaction perhaps to the dissolution of the ‘I’ taking place….me me me land is still hanging onto the edge of the cliff, as finger by finger is being unpicked. Well not really but in a way yes! And the rest is calm about it all. It is safe. Becoming everything and becoming nothing. There are many teachers around who are creating a strong slipstream for us.

Edgar Maxence (1871-1954) Fleurs du lac, 1900, (detail)

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