Edge Dwelling

A morning at the allotment having another fire with E and a walk in the woods in the glorious sun, dog to groomer and then a visit to the men at one site.

A session at 6pm with a therapy client going deep into the emotional processing I described in yesterdays post. We did it live in the session, dropping into the body, breathing low, noticing sensation, giving it space and being kind to it. Turning towards instead of away from the disturbance. I notice I am gathering confidence through experience doing this. I falter a little as it doesn’t come all that naturally instructing others, though I keep in mind the benefit. Always keen to get the client’s feedback as I am unsure how subjective the process is, how appropriate for others with little experience. It seemed to work and she ended the session reporting feeling lighter and visibly uplifted and relived as she called it.

That was the day. Some deep sharing online on a group, and enjoying a sense of some sort of community there among fellow travellers.

Everything seems to be going swimmingly well at the moment. Probably better described as being swept up by the river of life and cooperating with it. Identifying and releasing resistances to the current. Other than the odd appointment, I never really know what I will be doing each day, how it will feel what will be said. What opportunities or challenges will arrive.

This business, well I have no work lined up for either team next. There’s a month to organise 2 projects for them! I am slowly progressing one design and another enquiry to go and see next week. The old me would be freaking out. I have twinges arising of intense fear about it, but it subsides quickly. I don’t really let the catastrophising thoughts multiply so often now. I have a sense that I can handle whatever happens.

Let’s see what unfolds. I’m very much more in the present than ever. And that feels on one level chaotic, and on another, well, where else is there to be? How can you run a business and not be focussed on advance planning a lot? Well this has been the big experiment for some years with variable results. Living on the edge, by the seat of my pants. Trusting.

This morning I’m going to collect some 1920s garden magazines my grandmother gave me, which I oddly gave away in 1998 and am now getting them back.

I’ll go and see the other team too. Who I’m disgruntled with due to the further complaint about one of them.

Oh yes. A ‘failure’. I lost it with my neighbours and sent them a recording of how loud the floorboards were the other night, they were walking above my bed and normally they don’t after 8 as they know how loud it is. They called me and the reason was the old father had fallen and was lying in the hall and they were looking out for an ambulance and that’s why they were in that room so much. 😱 I was very apologetic of course. I’ve resisted any complaining about this noise as I know it’s my problem for nearly 4 years and the one time I lose control and complain directly, well life shows me. Bounced it right back in my lap. The Force at work.

There’s nearly nobody I want to see and be around these days, which is strange for an ENFP, and I have struggled with it at times. But I’m submerged in this magic of the present and surrendering, and all that entails. It’s hard to relate this to anyone.

And it’s beautiful out there, early spring air and atmosphere. My beautiful park will be in today’s experiences too I expect.

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