Sitting by the river alone. That is indeed where I found myself yesterday. Walked up the road over the lane into the woods to the rivers edge and sat. For ages. Just being there. Sunny warm conditions. Lay down by the river and lost myself in the clouds above. No ‘me’ for a while. Would have stayed longer but the dog alerted me to the arrival of a large Highland Cow coming into close proximity. Thanks dog.
I was so strangely tired though walking, every step was an effort no matter how slowly I went. I had to keep taking rests, which I love anyway, pauses in nature. I hadn’t eaten anything so I stopped by the restaurant for an ice cream, some banana loaf and lemonade. Sugar levels back up. And took advantage of the new electric mini bus and hopped on it home, felt close to incapable of walking the mile or so home.
Last night I listened to Longchen Rampa during the afternoon for a while, evening, all night long. And for an hour this morning. I think these deep dives into the non dual are bring up everything in me that resists it. And this is good.
This part of the awakening process involves facing all these bits that resist life as it is, the part of me that doesn’t want to relax and surrender completely. That is so scared. It thinks I’m going to die soon. That I’m going to ruin my life. That doesn’t want to give up guilt. That the life and ability to support myself will fall apart. That I will lose my mind. It comes up with all sorts of objections. And yet I’m marching on over this cliff, what else is there to do ? All the evidence so far has suggested that what I’m doing leads me into greater clarity and love as I lose my ‘self’. And that’s what it is alllllll about, losing this thing we call self.
It occurred that I have gone for partners I complain about. And that’s what my mum did about my dad. I have copied. I wonder if this repetition compulsion in itself was an element in the many unsuitable men? Choosing those I have an opportunity to complain about. Perhaps. I even wondered if I’m still doing it with one friend I find myself complaining about. Alerted to it now.
On the noises upstairs….. I’m failing these days not to react. I’m back to putting music on so I don’t feel disturbed at the stomping/creaking sounds. It is caused by a strong judgement that they shouldn’t be happening. I don’t want the neighbours in my space in my house which is what it feels like. Separation. Control.
Action to take. I will go back into Michael Singer’s tuition on that and start a new surrender experiment. It worked so well before. And be with the disturbed feelings, just be with them and go through that fire again. I know freedom is on the other side of that pain. I’m laughing at myself here. Luxury 5 star pain ! Not like those in Ukraine.
Work to do. And yet the answer is do absolutely nothing, to simply notice these things and that is all.
A shower, then back to the river’s edge in the sun again today. Some time at the allotment too doing some physical work, and have a think about what I will grow. Will bring a little picnic this time.