Thursday. There’s a lot of this happening during this opening/awakening situation I’m in, disturbances and sufferings are way more noticeable now that the peace has been experienced for longer periods.
Kind of irritated and moany start to the day. “Hello agitated feeling, where are you making yourself felt in my body right now?”
A blocked feeling stomach to throat. Okay let’s be with that for a bit. Maybe we help investigate and unclench a bit and go and have a breath of fresh air outside and see what’s what, give it some space.
Stood outside with the morning sun in my face, breathed in the morning air, relaxed the shoulders and loosened arms. Felt some gratitude instantly flooding in. A few minutes of letting the feelings have space. That was easy.
The answer was obvious. I’d watched in bed a PBS documentary about credit card companies. Odd for me. I don’t use credit cards and I know the banking system is exploitative and corrupt already. Anyway I did. And ended up feeling something is wrong with the world and felt stress.
And standing outside with the sun pouring on my face I noticed there was fear about life going well. That old sock, that returns often. The fear that relaxing completely will make me let down my guard then I won’t perceive danger. The argument that the fear keeps me vigilant so I can notice and stay out of danger. That roundabout again.
What is it about human being that disallows us to extend the periods of happiness and well-being? What is this fear and guilt that haunts and puts breaks on and causes sabotage to peace behaviour?
Whatever it is, it needs some compassion, let’s send it some relaxing, allowing and breathing.
Lot of driving around for appointments then to my friends house on the way back. I felt uncomfortable. He seemed uncomfortable and he sat facing away from me. Just when I wondered how to make my excuses he pretty much asked me to leave 😂 Whew.
Then a very quick walk for the dog’s sake, wasn’t in the mood for nature even. A long insightful interesting chat with my friend N.
So that was Thursday! Uncomfortable. Mind scratching around to grab a lifeline as it feels itself drowning in dissolution. Or so it believes.
Friday. Similarly uncomfortable. A clunky chat with an old friend with whom I have less in common with since this process become centre stage, that’s a long time now and I’m limping along with her but finding myself talking about thing I’m not that interested in. And being a bit fake to fit in. And whole lot of things needing done and I even forgot to pay the men. Well didn’t forget but put the wages through then must have not pressed ‘send’. So one had to remind me.
This kind of thing feeds fears of this dissolution of ‘me’ as separate. Met N and his pal for lunch in the park, I went in and out of being there. Then a walk in the woods and a sit under a very old large oak tree was grounding. I can usually use nature to disappear my ‘self’ and it’s concerns. It’s a direct route into being everything for which I am very grateful.
I’m hardly eating much these days, just enough to keep going. Just noticing that, think it might be part of the process.
Life is good even though this little separate self of me suffers some days. The backdrop which I’m dissolving into has led me to feel happier than I’ve ever felt in my whole life.
The morning sun is still shining. I have a therapy client soon. The day is wide open, nothing to do nowhere to go. I suspect I’ll find myself sitting by the river alone.
I watched this Angelo DiLullo interview on YouTube in bed this morning at 6am, a lovely woman’s journey of complete awakening. It was reassuring and made me smile.