Not sure what this recording of daily detail is about here. Other than I feel chatty sometimes and I also like the idea of reading what my life was like in the future, how good life was.
It is good, and I’m learning little by little to allow more happiness love and intimacy with life in as my defences dissolve. There’s so much to be grateful for, health, freedom, safety, support, opportunities galore for so much, for gathering knowledge, for being of help to others, for finding beauty. How fortunate to have these multiple blessings.
Every day is so different. It’s almost like a new person on a new planet with no idea what is going to happen or how it will feel or who I will meet. And yet outwardly I do little outside this square mile I live in. And in terms of inside, yes I’m moving onto new territory every day as I become more honest and yet ironically I’m actually just becoming more myself, it’s more like a returning. And there’s a decision to feel scared or not feel scared about it all every day, every moment.
So yesterday I went to the shop and chose a new fridge freezer, which is coming on Friday. Then back here and got a bucket and brush and went to the allotment and scrubbed down the deck which was green and slippy after the winter. I started a fire, tidied up, burned some leaves and twigs. Was good to be back there and to do something useful, physical and worthwhile.
I added this one to my expanding list of ‘how I try to impress people’ post the other day….
I thought I’d better remember to clean my old fridge the guys are removing so they don’t think I’m disgusting.
And another, at the allotment I considered for a moment leaving the brush out in full view against my summerhouse to demonstrate to others passing especially to ‘bosses’ that I had been there working, for approval seeking reasons. I laughed at myself and sent some kindness.
Then dipped into see my friend G for a chat for an hour. Always a wide ranging deep in places talk with him. Was enjoyable. Death and funerals came up (and I added another to my list – wondered how many people would come to my funeral and what lovely things they would say about me. Hehe)
I shared my list with my son at his request and he liked it and returned with a super honest letter he’d sent to his bosses. I loved that he could do that, had the courage and confidence and honesty.
Then to the woods and savoured the new flowers appearing, took some photos. Super tired today after last night. So back here intending to do the design I have to do, but instead went to the sofa for hours and hours and watched a few episodes of Taboo on Netflix which I love, and also got into some excellent communications about the mechanisms of the ego, our response to the increasing intensity of feeling intimacy with each other, life and ourselves.
Then at 7pm it occurred to go back out to the woods, but in two minds as I was comfy and thought I’d let the dog decide. “Shall we go out for a walk?” I whispered and she let out such an enthusiastic yes yes yes yelp that I didn’t have a choice so out we went at dusk and wow was I rewarded. Walked up the river with pink skies and a nearly full moon reflecting on the water. Wowee. Thanks to the dog for being such an effective anti entropy tool. I felt caressed.
Then back here pretty fulfilled by that and slept for over 8 hours while listening all night to Samaneri reading out Longchenpa and for hours semi awake from 5am. I woke and heard and took in and fell asleep and woke and took in repeatedly. Marvellous joyful experience.
And now it’s Thursday. And I really might just do that design as only have one other thing to do, go and visit the local team on a project and see how they are doing which won’t take long. Wonder what today will bring.