And try to control things. I start thinking and reflecting, then it feels crowded in here. I lose touch with the space in which it all takes place. A space I’m intimately connected with and live in more and more, which allows all to unfold and me to respond naturally and play my part. Without much if any stress.
And there has been a lot going on this last week. The lot going on is completely smooth and doable and harmonious when I’m in the moment allowing it all to unfold.
Then I had a bit of delayed reaction emotionally, to the friend’s husband’s suicide, and the unthinkable details of what she had to come across and deal with, images now in my mind too…..and my son’s increasing distress, and the suicide risk of a friend’s son in the space of a few days.
I was very calm when I talked to them all but I started worrying about the latter 2 for a few days after. And I had 9 therapy clients so far this week. I’m fine with that, though aware that each is bringing their distress to me and there’s tears and difficulties for them. And responsibility to them. And then I have this other business to run, men doing construction in 3 sites at the moment. And a new client design about to start. New enquiries to deal with too.
It’s a lot I know. And when I sit back and trust and surrender and sit in the moment, it all just unfolds beautifully. When I start worry thinking it’s a train crash, with all the carriages all arriving into each other, bang bang wallop. I let fear in and then find that my wings don’t work any more and I tumble to the ground. Lost my nerve. Stopped trusting. Like Lot’s wife looking back. And then I got a headache from hell which kept me up last night for periods it was so strong.
Lesson in here for me. Experience and let go. I don’t have control. Never did, never will have. And my worry thinking was steering me towards trying to rescue my son and my friend’s son and trying to control things. I started giving my son advice as a result and all he wanted was to be heard. All I can do is let them know I’m available. And get myself back into the spaciousness of inner silence, out of the way again where I belong.
‘The Orkney Hood, found in a peat bog in 1867, is the only complete item of fabric clothing to have survived from early medieval Scotland c. 250-615 AD, now on display at the National Museum of Scotland.‘