Just Being

I’m making friends with ‘just being’ these days. Dropping much of the mental content and outwards focus and turning towards silence and calm peace. Less thinking, less doing, more being in this moment. Used to be an anathema to me being this still inside. I loved action and drama.

I find myself more and more in that deeply peaceful inner silence. I strongly suspect it’s what is left without worry and concern and perhaps underneath in all of us is a permanent font of peace and joy. Just waiting to be rediscovered and lived through instead of fear.

And so there’s no ‘getting there’, no ‘trying’ required as it’s already here with us. What is required is clearing what has been put in the way that has held and fixed our attention in a rigid place. And that clearing turned out to be no easy feat. For me anyway. Facing everything.

Sitting in front of that silence and calm joyful peace is generations of mistaken ideas and beliefs, conditioning, trauma and fear. And they all have to be touched on, faced, embraced and let go of. What a process that is. Especially when some bit of you thinks you need one of those crappy beliefs or fears to keep you safe. Another bit is afraid of being at peace, undeserving of being happy, scared of the unknown of it all. It’s the most natural thing to return to love and peaceful joy but we can be so used to the prison cell.

I went to a very simple old buddhist Dzogchen tradition, which just regards all of that conditioned stuff as the same as everything we can see and witness around us in the world. Not to interfere with it, or judge it, to let it be, let it have it’s dance. It’s a dynamic movement and expression of that which is underneath it all. Rigpa. Being. Silence and complete stability, the holding capacity behind it all. The ocean that contains all the waves, the sky that holds all the passing clouds.

And here I am. Feeling pretty relaxed this morning after another night of listening to the sublime voice of Samaneri Jayasara reading old text of the wise. All night long it plays on YouTube. And I surfaced this morning around 6, got tea and went back to bed and got into a relaxed position and consciously listened to it. Drifted in and out for a couple,of hours but bathed in the potent well-being of it.

And yet it’s nothingness, and my ego or personality or whatever hates it. It tries to whisper to me that this is mad, that I will go mad. ‘What about your business’ it yells at me, and yes, I’m not sure how I’m doing with that business. I’m in unknown territory here.

I didn’t get a project I’d lined up to start soon. I felt the pang of disappointment. And then quickly, you win some you lose some. It means more work for me lining up another one. I’m going to visit the clients of second project I’ve lined up to start today, and we hopefully start on that in a week.

Is this deep inner reorientation project been good for business? I have no idea. Decisions seem to come from nowhere. I’m certainly trusting more and feeling less of a need to control. That’s not exactly sounding like a practical business strategy though is it! Let’s see.

I’ve got a therapy client first for an hour, a walk and talk session in the park. My inner journey has been most beneficial for this work. Being able to clear a big quiet space inside is good for being an active listener and knowing what to say and when.

Yes back to the jostling of daily life and the marketplace out there and the inner processes meeting up with each other. I can see why in the past they headed for the peace and quiet of Himalayan caves to do this deep inner work.

I am feeling the positive effects though daily, unexpected ones despite the heightened terror as I pass through my conditioning. A freedom, a blanket of wonder and curiosity, an unpredictable creativity, a playfulness and a spontaneity.