Another one for my future self to read.
Day starts early with tea in bed for a couple of hours till 8. When it’s time to get up, as usual I sing the A-Team tune out loud triumphantly and feeling amused and the dog comes bounding in happy and tail wagging. ‘She’s getting up’ woohoo she knows.
Then it’s a little work, counselling and garden admin, and reading till my friend N arrives for tea at 10.30 before we go to view a flat nearby that is is thinking of taking. We spend an hour on that, then back for more chat. Mostly about Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and the top cap he added to his pyramid after Self Actualisation – of Transcendence. I’ve been reading about that lately, quite exciting.
We chat in depth about my ambiguity about money, or to be specific, allowing myself to have more of it. I’ve always restricted myself so that my pride, ego and wish to impress others and greed are not allowed to flourish. I have seen this as a kindness to myself, to keep me safe. Though I’ve had much criticism for it too. To be in a position to accumulate wealth and to not do it is regarded as a waste and a failure by some of the standards held by society. And it’s been an unsuccessful policy personally in the sense that money concerns are often around.
Then I have to leave for a garden appointment, potential new client. They are normal and nice enough, decent budget, I can work with that. It’s pouring though and we get soaked. Not ideal so I don’t take photos, arrange to send a design fee today to them. I’m just not excited about doing these projects though.
Then I have a quick park walk with the dog, collect the umbrella I left behind in The Edwardian Kitchen and home.
Next task is to pick up the new van from a garage few miles away, and drive the Motorhome over there as they will sell it for me. I’m not feeling confident about driving such a big vehicle, it’s my second time. I arrive though, then I crash the Motorhome into the bins as I arrive in full view of the men there, quite a lot of damage. Window taken out, scrape down the side, instant devaluing of about £1k. Oh dear.
I have a wonderful experience with some very decent kind friendly garage workers who instantly manage my situation. I pick up the new van, and come home in it. It drives well. I don’t care much about the Motorhome now, a few thousand and I’ll be happy to see the back of it.
I ponder how my response to crashing into those bins reflects an aspect of my personality and character. Many people would stop immediately when they notice they have hit an obstacle. If I had I would have minimised any damage.
What I did is keep on driving through and past the obstacle. That’s my approach to life in general and I was shown it may not always be the wisest course of action. On the positive side it shows a determination to continue in the face of obstacles and on the other hand it could be ego, I’ve made my decision and I’m going to stick with it no matter what.
The other thing I notice is that when I was driving over there, I was thinking I was rather pleased with myself about how independent I am, how I can manage everything in my own and don’t have to get help from any men. The irony of that 😂
I am home, it’s 5pm. I call my brother, we have an excellent intimate conversation about life. About money too, he answers my questions about why his ego has not become overblown with having so much. He tells me he feels the weight of a guilt and a responsibility, since he inherited it all. So it’s like a trust to him. And he has bought and restored two historical buildings at great cost in his town and they will become free to use community centres. Nice.
Then I chat to my pal from earlier N. I tell him about my crash. He said he was going to offer to help earlier but I didn’t ask. We chat about films and books and off he goes.
I’m on the sofa, recovering and relaxing. You win some, you lose some. I’m still worrying about not having a job lined up next week for one team.
The cad technician is ill after giving birth to twins and hasn’t delivered the drawings, without which the client can’t agree to the price. So a bit stuck. 2 of the guys can join the other team, the other two can stay off till work is lined up. I’m feeling the weight of having to do these big projects, start new ones, I’m not feeling enthused. But need to just now to keep the economic wheels turning. I feel the weight of all this responsibility and nobody to talk to about it. And I accept it, I see the value of the lessons.
(I need to just add that my mind is producing worry thoughts on and off for days about this though underneath these thoughts I know everything will be okay…….so I am aware I’m allowing myself to be seduced by these thoughts even though they have little or no basis in reality).
Had to get back out of bed till the neighbour vacated the upstairs room the floor creaking was so loud. He just stands waiting for his take away meal to be delivered walking about creaking for about half an hour. So I went to the living room sofa and returned when he’d gone. Not before I got annoyed though. I didn’t need to do that. It’s not personal. I’m not succeeding all the time with my surrender experiment. I’m giving into irritation at times. To just be with the disturbance and bear the turbulence without blowing a gasket is the aim. To have equanimity.
This morning there’s a lot of snow, so I text the boss of each team and give them the choice to stay off. One team stays off, the other going in. And I don’t have any appointments today. I notice I like it when the men are off. Nothing going on out there that I am responsible for at people’s properties.
So I’m going for an early walk in the snow to the woods with the dog. May get the courage to send those 2 project prices today, since little else to distract me. My prices are an informed experienced, but still always a guess as I can’t be bothered working it out properly. I just don’t feel like doing all these massive projects now, and with the risk of no gain and even a loss to me too, my enthusiasm has dissipated.
I’m feeling a little anxious right now. I can feel it in my throat, there’s shallow breathing and a chest tightness. I put my hand there and breath from low down. Hello little anxious feeling, I hear you, it’s okay for you to be there. I breath again. It settles a little. I’m still feeling a little lost today, not sure what to do with the day. And aware my attitude that I’m choosing determines the experience.
Okay let’s go. Wellies and jacket and snow. That is an interesting fungi I saw in the woods on a tree. Moon poo slime mould on a pine tree no less!
Learning to Rest with it All 