Long one and this is for future amusement and pondering on how I’m living now. Hello future self, I hope you are well and you enjoy this!
It’s just details really. Yesterday morning I wake around 6.30’ another nice 7.5 hour sleep. Get up make tea, go to the loo, back to bed to listen to a podcast Curt Jamungal and a neuro scientist discussing the fear inducing effect of travelling to these nether regions I am also busy with exploring. Curt is so very honest about his anxiety and the guy is too about how he uses smoking and cups of tea to ground and calm himself.
These are materialist scientists though and it must be even more unnerving for them. I’m way over that materialist edge and Im accepting of the big open conscious awareness I see myself and us all as. Still scary though for me too. Terrifying actually at times. The intensity of fear rises each day, and I am finding ways to navigate and negotiate kindly with it.
It’s a balancing act when these outer regions are the non ground one is travelling on. A razor edged path. The guides who have been there are important. The community too. And the grounding is so important. The walks in the mud, the smells of nature, the wind in the skin, the being fully in the body, and definitely not just in the intellect.
So I get up, I have 2 therapy clients online back to back. As with all my clients it’s about helping them to see that deficiency they walk about with is not true, and to help replace it with what is true. and of course this is not exactly straightforward. What we might know with our minds and be able to accept is rather more tricky to actually make it a felt truth. This has to be done by experience.
Then I travel to the country to see the other team and chat with the client. It’s all fine. I had a resignation from a character who I’d grown to value. I say my goodbye to him. He can’t handle the travelling it seems. I feel peculiarly sad driving away, and I’m also fully accepting and fine with it, I did wonder if he was a bit volatile and maybe I’ve dodged some trouble and I’ve played my part.
I arrive to meet E at the park after 1pm. My car had been smoking and making smells on the motorway and it was lashing with rain and was concerned. Imagined having to stop and call for rescue. I get there though, have a look and it seems fine. We have a very beautiful time walking through the woods, through bright sun then pouring then sun then pouring. The talk is satisfyingly deep and open. I feel very present most of it. We have lunch outside at the Edwardian kitchen. I get a text asking if the guy can rescind his resignation. I sit with that.
Then home. Arrange to pick up the van tomorrow. Arrange the plants to be picked up tomorrow. Aware of a rising fear of having no job for one team to go to next week. the cad technician has just had a complicated birth and hasn’t sent the drawings, so it’s very close to the edge.
I’m listening to the Force. There’s a thought brewing that maybe 2 go to the far away team, allowing the guy to stay with the other time and do a closer job. I reply to his text and say I’m working on it. His reply is happy and affectionate. It’s interesting how expressive he is. I feel a connection. And with everyone actually when they open like that. Lot of love.
I get an invite to dinner from my mum with my uncle and partner which I turn down. No bandwidth for dinner with semi intoxicated family members and that level of conversation just now. I get a call from my pal N. We have a jolly chat about films and psychology articles and he’s coming here this morning for tea and together we will view a flat near me.
Today I wake early and a sad bit of news on Twitter I read back in bed with my tea. The death of another my age. That’s 2 this week. People leaving early. It is what it is. These people are my age and perhaps I will die soon too I wonder. I could! What else is there for me to do here? Well go over the edge to full pop into full and complete awareness.
And I scroll though some world events, not exactly cheering. So much uncertainty around just now. I wonder if something big is happening out there to people.
Back to me, and I am aware of the space that Facebook has left. I am not missing it it. I feel freer. I notice the dropped nicotine levels I’m on now and register that my addicted body is complaining a bit. I decide to continue with the withdrawals. Slowly.
I have a consultant calling about something to do with last year’s stroke. And a new client, and potential new construction job in the afternoon. I’ve to deliver 2 prices today which I’m nervous about as we kind of need a yes from at least one. Now that I have 2 teams and a new van to pay for too.
My mind sends urgency thoughts like this quite often that result in heightened anxiety sometimes. ‘Do something do something do something, emergency emergency 🚨. You’ll run out of work so will run out of money and it will be baaaaaaaasd, painful. Threat threat threats ahead. Quickly now. Urgent’. And I witness all of this, and of course feel the inner churn too. I put my hand on my chest and say. ‘May I be well, may I be happy, may I be safe, may I be at ease. It helps. I thank the mind for its threat detecting’.
The responsibility. The 7 employees, the suppliers to pay, hmrc…..the dog, then the increasing amount of vulnerable therapy clients coming to me. And here I am floating and trusting my way through for the most part, leaning on the Force to tell me what to act. Not acting out of fear, waiting for the right time to act. Even if it means going to the very last moment. Maybe it’s not the wisest way to live I don’t know. Maybe I don’t have a choice and I have to be who I am.
Crazy how actually amazingly great life is here most days and yet this kind of hell is hovering around at the same time. I sing a lot to the dog, play, dance many times a week and feel, light and healthy and well. Nurtured and confident and feel that it’s all perfectly aligned in just the right way. I water the plants and empty the dishwasher, hang out the clothes radiators. Text my son ‘Hope life is good today with just the right amount of challenge to be stimulated by, love to be soothed by and fun to be amused by xx’ and he sends me a thanks and some good music.