Today. It’s 8am and I’m at the kitchen table, lovely long sleep as usual. Refreshed and ready for a brand new day. About to have an early walk in nature. I have a new counselling client at 11. Then tonight our monthly meet up with 2 counsellor friends. But existence just feels so odd these days.
I try mostly to avoid what’s going on in the world but inevitably information arrives. I feel effected by it, disconcerted. And that lack of agreement with the actions being taken by people and the authorities makes me feel more alone. And lot of the rebels out there are too extreme for me and I don’t belong there either. Or anywhere.
I feel disconnected and not in harmony with what is going on. That’s not very ‘zen’. I want to be in harmony. Recently it’s the Canadian truckers and the strangely heavy handed response, the overall responses from government around the world to covid which I’ve largely disagreed with from late 2020. I see it as fear driven hysteria, which I was also part of originally.
I’m in agreement with some of the more sensible rebel scientists about the futility and collateral damage of lockdowns, the chaotic response to protecting the vulnerable. I chose to wait before I took any vaccine till I felt more certain of its safety, though I had a tetanus last year, so not antivax as such. I’m glad I waited now. My jury is still out on it.
My lifestyle is so solitary and outdoors the cost benefit analysis didn’t add up for me personally. All my family and most friends took it. No ill effects so far thankfully. The friends that didn’t take it are way more extreme than me so I can’t even get a sense of belonging there.
I’m on this path of surrender so looking for huddling and belonging, while entirely human and understandable is not on my path. Which is ‘a condition of complete simplicity, costing not less than everything’. TS Eliot. Nothing outside can give comfort now. I’m on my own in this. And to many this path sounds like madness so I can’t even share it. I hope one day I will be an example of hope for those going through this. That there is another side to a life of suffering. But meantime it’s an epic struggle many days.