Relative peace anyway. My ego is on alert now it knows I’m onto it! I am on this intensive personal program of facing disturbed feelings, letting them go and then having calm restored….. back to the intensity of being with more of the feelings and the discomfort, letting go and on and on. And it seems to be intensifying, or at least the pattern is more apparent these days. Quite a ride, and I would like to develop a bit more humour about it all. It all seems so real and worrying when in the grip, but then poof! It’s gone again.
A day or two of feeling the inner disturbances was very uncomfortable indeed and necessary for freeing old held onto and trapped feelings. It takes courage to allow this without rushing to an antidote. Then, I’ve pretty much run out of antidotes anyway.
And amid it I felt anything but courage, as the insides were screaming to be saved from the discomfort. The desire to grab onto something, anything to make the pain go away! But what to grab onto?there isn’t anything. And that is devastating to the ego.
Life’s external events carried me along though, an online chat with a logical friend gave a more objective context where I was looking at it instead of being right inside it.
Then a funeral yesterday. Death cuts through all the crap. The husband of a loved old school friend had taken his life. There was intimacy, affection, softness and love and sorrow there, reconnections with many old faces. Then a walk in the beautiful afternoon sunshine. And a nearly 4 hour chat with another old friend. That was the day. A people day. The power of love and connection experienced.
And back to this solitary existence today, though a walk in the snowy woods with a friend coming up.
This morning’s listening by Longchenpa where he describes the process of resting and releasing all that appears in consciousness. And Eckhart Tolle too talking of fear and anxiety, always a reliably good pal in all of this.
All is well.