Bit Frazzled Today

The pattern continues of dropping, surrendering and opening and the sense of all pervading calmness that comes with that. This is followed quickly by another test of events triggering inside emotional disturbances. Things happening that I feel resistance towards. That I don’t like.

I know the idea of this schooling is that I will keep getting these until I learn to open completely and surrender my wants and dislikes and replace them with total acceptance of everything. And I will/am in the process of learning that lesson.

I’m having a hard day today in a minor way, nothing devastating, just not feeling vibrant and strong today. The triggers are coming hard and fast and I’ve been succumbing to feeling disturbed and the resistance to that rather than acceptance. Multiplying the suffering as that choice of action does.

More noticeably noisy upstairs today with lots of squeaking floorboards and clomping around while I want peace and quiet. It’s as if my neighbours are in my flat many times a day. They are also in every day all day and never ever leave or go out. And the fact I’m annoyed means I’m failing at my mission and goal of learning equanimity. And feel a little defeated by that.

A client complaining about their garden, and for me it is very stressful having an unhappy client and also saying no to what they want is very uncomfortable.

A waste of time client visit this morning.

Then a visit to my mums, there is little to say or discuss, we don’t have much in common and we are incompatible personality wise. And I leave feeling exhausted.

It has also been pouring and very windy so not so much outside time today and a much shorter walk. A big storm going on outside. So a restless bored dog pacing around wanting some stimulation. And she’s picking up my mood too and feeling responsible for it and then I’m feeling responsible for her state arghh!

There IS a bright side of course, and there really are many positives going on every day these days. Maybe I should end with some appreciation of those.

Deep down I know life is going very well. What is going well and going in the right direction?

  • I enjoyed seeing a huge big waterfall and a riverside walk in a different park
  • My inner life is very rich and I’m becoming more true to myself every day.
  • I got the mop out and cleaned the skirting boards and walls of dog mud earlier, so much cleaner and better looking now
  • I have regular enquiries from new counselling clients. Without having to pay for any advertising. I have about 7 clients a week now and I’m saving the money in an account I’m not touching. A reward for all the hard work which is satisfying.
  • My son is in love for the first time and so it’s a brand new experience, and he will learn all sorts of expansive lessons form that.
  • Visited my mum so a bit of duty fulfilled so don’t have to again for a while.
  • Loving doing the counselling. This area of life is providing a huge amount of joy and satisfaction. I’m so impressed that I did that hard course and succeeded in arriving here where I wanted to be, helping people reconnect with themselves in a healthier happier way, reminding them who they really are under their conditioning. Each session I am delighted and surprised at the ease by which the right thing to say comes out of my mouth.
  • The flat is perfectly quiet in the mornings when the neighbours are in bed. I love the mornings here for that, complete tranquility.
  • Made contact with another therapist today who I’ve been referring children to and she offered to reciprocate with referrals, so a little networking progress
  • Loving that my ‘walk and talk’ counselling sessions in the park are going so well and looking forward to doing more once the better weather comes on.
  • I bought a new van today for my second team. That is enabling to my second team and is an improvement to them travelling to work in their car. More professional. The garage has also offered to help me sell my Motorhome which is a relief.
  • The construction business is making moment again and I’m relieved to be able to pay my business debts little by little.
  • I’m managing to progress 2 other jobs despite not feeling that enthused. Priced 3 jobs yesterday so well done me, as I don’t love Spreadsheet costing work much
  • I am cosy and warm inside while the storm rages outside. I am safe. I am well fed and healthy. I have everything that I need to live a healthy productive life.

A garden we did. I liked this one, a little shady concrete courtyard made into something a little magical.

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