The realisation that there is only the present comes in waves. And my mind hates that because there’s nothing for it to do here. It will do anything to avoid the intimacy and immediacy of this moment right now. It’s so interesting to watch this resistance.
I was in the shower earlier and determined to just be in the actual present moment sensory experience of it. I didn’t want to interfere, by touching the experience with thought. Every few seconds I’d get hooked up by a thought..go on a trip in my head for a few seconds then bring myself back. To the sounds, the feeling of wetness, the smell of shampoo. Then another thought, and I forget what I’m doing, then back.
My mind will try and convince me that nearly anything is more important. There’s thoughts about friends, about conversations, what was said, what might be said, about work, about the past. Anything but stillness.
But all there is right now is this. This is it. It is where it all happens. It is all I have this moment. All decisions about how I’m leading this life are made now. How I walk to the bedroom. Am I present to the moments of that experience? Aware of the way my weight moves from leg to leg, the sounds, the temperature, the feelings in the body right now. Or am I busy rushing to get there, to the next better moment.
This is a decision I make minute to minute about how to experience my life. This is not a dress rehearsal. This is it. Do I stay here and experience it? Do I run away from this intimacy?
And I surrender. What else can I do? Nowhere else to go with it. Surrender and trust. Amid the fear and doubt, feel those feelings and allow and surrender, and keep surrendering.
Leaving the moment untouched by thought allows a space where magic arises. A beautiful loving contentment energy arrives when it is not constricted by the inner dialogue. Before that, perhaps some feelings may arise for addressing, to be acknowledged and once we can allow those feelings we can have access to a new space to be. It’s freedom. What a ride this is.