The angry call from my mum triggered some old childhood memories and feelings. The way our mum used to brush our hair in a painful, impatient way and get angry. She was often annoyed and I remember how unsafe and anxious I’d feel. And responsible for making her happy and feeling it was somehow my fault. Which it wasn’t of course.
I’m discovering that feelings in the present can be dealt with relatively quickly as they arise. Just drop out of the mind and into the body, give a little space around them, sit back, breath and let them be. A hand on the chest for a little comfort maybe. And they eventually move and dissolve after a while. I’ve been getting to enjoy this tool, it’s like discovering a new superpower.
When old feelings arise that have been held down and held onto for a long time, they need longer to find their way to releasing, and more patience is required. And here I am with these old feelings. A sense of disturbance and unease in the body, and a little secondary anxiety about feeling those. So I’m relaxing back inside and allowing. A hand on my chest now and then for comfort.
Also there is a narrative we pick up, adopted automatically by children about themselves which arises from how others treat them early on. A secondary part of processing the early experiences are the beliefs we took on about ourselves. That are not true though we believe them to be. It’s usually ‘I’m unlovable ’ or ‘I’m not good enough’ some sense of deficiency goes in and gets carried around.
I did have a therapeutic stormy walk yesterday in nature amid this and then lunch outside. Supported by a beautiful environment, good health, a lovely dog. I was noticeably less light and playful while carrying on this process. I find these observations interesting. How the behaviour alters the more or less free I feel inside, how much fear is present determines this.
“Let go of what has passed. Let go of what may come. Let go of what is happening now. Don’t try to figure anything out. Don’t try to make anything happen. Relax, right now, and rest” Tilopa
My regular spot outside at the Edwardian Kitchen. Inside it’s fab too, a dome in the middle, with a window, all the old kitchen ironwork still intact.