So I Opened the Gates

And there’s now a little queue of unaddressed neglected feelings all lined up waiting their turn to be felt fully and loved up 😂 Man, I shoulda seen that coming, I even read about it, and here I am in it.

Memories arriving alongside a feeling and even appearing in my dreams. All last night this went on. Things I’m embarrassed about, ashamed of, wouldn’t be shouting about publicly exactly! Yet here I am. Thanks dreams, that was a nifty bit of subliminal processing.

These are things to face and fully. Pain is to be expected on this path of realisation. It’s the price of freedom. And it is painful sitting here. That sense of wanting to run, but there’s nowhere to go.

So in my dream there was

1. Jealousy. Wanting to be the only special one to someone. Which connects up with other feelings. That pain of feeling separate along with it. Left out. All alone.

2. Shame. Embarrassed to be me. A sense I should not exist, have no right to exist, shouldn’t even be here. I’m bad. A mistake. No right to be loved. A voice from childhood ‘You should be ashamed of yourself’ comes in an angry voice. And self betrayal as I reject myself. Fear of happiness.

3. Rejection. Abandoned. Betrayed. Pushed away and pushing others away. Fear of closeness.

So I go inside to be with those. All fruity flavours of fear really. I sit and breath and turn my attention to where in my body they might be felt and wait to allow them to come fully.

It’s strong, too strong to just sit. So I get up and see what the body wants to do. It wants to move as it feels these things and I let it and the arms do various expressive gestures of cradling, and I’m dancing next, kind of improv to the sound of Donna Summer’s hot stuff 😂 on 70s Radio. Embracing actions come too. Pushing down down down down actions, pushing away action, wriggling ones, no shame here and the dog loves it hehe. The movement helps I think.

I feel them, welcome them and surrender them over and up for healing. I put my hand on my heart. No positive affirmations or gratitude exercises, no trying to use antidotes. Just feeling what is felt.