Feeling Off


I call these periods mini ‘dark nights of the soul’. I like the drama of that phrase and it does actually describe the feeling of them pretty well. Facing things, mostly delusions, is painful. And they have to be faced first before they are let go of. So the light temporary dims as we go through this. (It only appears to though, the light is always there and on for us).

It started with me writing out some of my covid thoughts and journey here the other day and bringing back up the trauma of all of it all. What a painful event we have all been through! And I had it easy compared to most.

Then watching a Joe Rogan episode with a Dr. Robert Epstein revealing the amount of control big tech has over our lives, how manipulated we are. And that led to a strong sense of not having control which was painful. One I know well but I keep coming back to, that illusion of control I like to think I have but don’t really have. And that is part of this whole surrender process, and a difficult one for me to surrender up. I don’t have control, life is happening. And also even just focusing for any length of time on negative events going on out there in society that I can’t do anything about, well it’s pointless isn’t it.

It has been 9 hour sleeps the last few nights. And a 3 day low level headache. Some sort of intangible process is going on. I’m writing all this because I find the details of this path of awakening and enlightenment interesting and want to document it, the hard bits included. To look back on perhaps.

It is a path of surrender, so a regular procession appears of that which requires surrendering. And during that time of noticing the attachments, there’s a bit of discomfort. Or a lot. It is usually an experience of clinging to something and the mourning that comes when there’s a realisation that it needs to go. It is being there in the fire as the extraneous is burned.

At the moment it’s any cosy feeling of community and belonging. To my family or friendship group. Which is more of an idea than anything. That delusional idea of belonging no longer works and yet I also see that a part of me is very attached to the idea. It’s a human instinct, the wish for belonging.

There is no allying myself to anything other than that which is invisible or it is betrayal of the truth as I’ve been discussing recently here around social shackles. So it has to go. Loyalty to the truth only. And that means loyalty arises for others only in relation to their own loyalty to the truth. And not many are. And that is okay, evolution is a long song, there’s no rush and we are all growing up together here. So I can be there for the feelings of loss and sadness as they show up and just be kind to them.

That could include being part of the social media landscape too. I can feel a jab of pain at the thought of giving those up, as I’m quite attached to my fb profiles and pages and groups and scrolling. And being able to mingle and view friend’s lives and mutually comment and ‘like’. Those ‘likes’. The satisfaction from receiving a like. How innocuous is this in my life? Not very. It’s looking for validation from others, or at least enjoying that validation. That comes from fear. For as long as I entertain that enjoyment of validation, is an allegiance to fear. Has to go. “Deeper into loneliness oh no !” my dear ego pipes up. “Whatever the price of freedom, I’ll do it”, I reply.

Right now everything, it’s all fine. I’m warm, comfortable, dog has been out and is happy. It’s 8am, I hear people travelling to work outside. It’s getting light. Life carries on and carries us along with it, whatever we are experiencing.

May we be well

May we be safe

May we be at ease

May we be happy

4 Comments

    1. Yes, I have a few close long term friends I meet for weekly walks/lunch, people I can be myself with. If that’s what you mean. For touch needs, well I’ve got a friendly dog to pat!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Yes, wanting to feel understand and to belong are innate – and are part of all of us.
    Although the online world can be fake (and even devastating for us) it can also provide a community that isn’t available where we live. I feel I benefit from both: my local community where I have face to face contact with people, and the online community where I read and share some very meaningful things that are not part of the experiences of people around me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks yes well said. I find I have to guard my attention more and more, especially from bigger picture issues in society I can’t actually act on, and also that so many are very skilfully trying to attract our precious attention. I’m continually bringing myself back to the present moment, and think I need to up my game here in that department even more. Love my local interactions in the flesh with real neighbours and my community.

      Liked by 1 person

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