Jittery Edge Territory


Circling the edges surrounding the new unexplored territory and physically experiencing the jitters. Joyful jitters though, excitement and anticipation of the unknown.

I am seeing why it requires devotion to keep stepping into those fears. One by one they appear for addressing….or not. I’ve come here many times to the edge, I should be getting frequent visitor points 😂

So here I am feeling excited joyful jittery and calm all at once and can feel all of it. This is where grounding comes in and today I will be laying out hundreds of plants with the men as we finish off a project. Very grounding, and having a walk in the woods by the river with the dog later.

The other element to this feeling state is that my money lack is about to end. At least for now. A large final payment is arriving today. I have been living with an ongoing struggle challenge to balance the books and make the business work in the face of covid in the last 2 years.

There’s been a shut down of income at times with lockdowns, steeply rising prices, many absences, jobs taking longer and costing me money instead of making a profit, supply chain delays. A challenge it has certainly been. And has tested me and pressed every possible worry button at regular intervals and intensified as suppliers, tax authorities demand payment.

These things used to scare me out of my wits and now it is more of an itch that needs scratched than a full blown struggle. The buttons gets pressed so many times, perhaps they get desensitised. And importantly I think, I’m not scared of everything collapsing now. It can, if that’s what is required for my highest needs here. I trust. And I have a second job to rely on that I enjoy. So the fear has lifted. Even before this payment. The payment is more of a test of receiving for me. Of abundance.

I am getting an easing up of that particular challenge. And I’m so used to it that I’m a little disoriented. “What, not have that tension of owing a lot of people money?!” It’s been so long I hardly know who I am with out it. I see that part of me that is perhaps a little addicted to struggle. These contrasts are so useful.

So here I am having unshackled myself largely of the fear of social disapproval, fear of lack, of failure. And what happens when that layer is dissolved?

Well our real and true selves come out to play!

Happy, bright, optimistic and loving. Fluid, connected and not lacking anything at all. And this is when it is time to savour these precious moments, allow them fully, welcome them.

I have done struggle and drama addiction and I have the t-shirts. Time for a new game.

Of allowing longer periods of well-being.

Gratitude for this opportunity.

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