I have been exploring how we can be held back by others and motivated to hold ourselves back by our own fear of not belonging to our cultural or friendship group or family. I see that a sense of separation appeared when I looked ‘out there’ at those who are playing their part in our social deal. And they do often play an active part in that holding back.
Let me not forget that those who have known me for a long time, well I have trained them well to expect a stream of drama and problems from me over many years! So that drama just stopping or reducing considerably is a big change in itself for others who know me to adjust to. It can be a bit awkward now.
To not feel the temptation to discuss problems with people because it’s what we have both been used to, what they have come to expect from me. And that they feel reassured by as it means I’m not getting too far ahead or outside the personal culture we have created as well (as the satisfaction they are not alone in having problems).
What I wanted to address was the issue of boundaries for myself here, which I’ve always had an issue with. I look around at those who would respond with competitiveness or jealousy to others’ emancipation, I noticed a desire to draw a line for myself. To notice the reflex to respond habitually when it happens and not fall into that old script of mine. And when interacting with those who respond with insecurity to happiness or successes with a degree of vigilance. I want to change my response and not play that old game now so vigilance is required just for a while, as the change of ‘rules’ takes place.
This is the part that seems like separation. However there’s the paradox, while boundaries may be healthy at times, it’s not really separation, they are not ‘the enemy’ it is our own fears that are the enemy if there is even an enemy here. The fear can be turned into a lamb when approached with tenderness and compassion and gratitude for keeping us safe, and let go of.
People are going through their own growing up experience as I am. And perhaps for some, that sense of competitiveness is a way of advancement. Perhaps that’s one way of evolving, having a fire lit being you – the fear of being left behind or missing out. It’s just not that pleasant to be around, noticing them cringe. And then we cringe and self edit in response often. Nobody likes a cringe 😂
It is more obvious for me when I notice when I’m being one who is feeling threatened and competitive by another’s greatness or expansion. It feels very clunky. I notice the absence of love and connection and it hurts. So through that pain I’ve learned that when I have that insecurity or competitiveness it is a sign to turn inwards with nurturing and see where I’m withholding love for myself.
It’s perhaps more of a challenge to feel the draw of the habit of a corresponding self censorship in order to not cause the other pain or risk rejection and yet not follow the old script.
For me personally that capitulation to another’s fear and dumbing myself down is a more subtle aspect to learn to notice, and undo, it happens so habitually and automatically. And right now I’m wondering how to stay in positive normal relations. Is that even possible or does it entail self betrayal to do so.
There are times on this path that seem more delicate as cellular changes to the very fabric of how the mind works and responds take place. It’s like surgery and I sometimes feel vulnerable at points during this change. It could be those are the times for less interaction with some and more with those that allow us to be ourselves in fullness of our fabulousness without being threatened.
And yet their fear of our happiness, strength and success is our fear of our own or it would not be appearing on the screen out there for us to see as our projection.
We hang out with those who have a similar inner thermostat setting to us, an agreement on how much of the fabulous side of life we let in, so we all feel as cosy and comfortable as possible as we huddle together.
All fascinating to me at the moment. I have other questions, and I notice I write all of this without even mentioning power so there’s another element. I wonder how much gay people must go through this whole process. And how this relates to the class ‘war’ out here, well that’s an extension of this and a whole subject worth exploration and examination.