With the quiet patience of few expectations this last week has been one of resting, simplicity and a chance to go inside and face some obstructions.
A sense of quiet waiting pervades, going out alone to nature and getting with The Divine and very much being an introvert to restore and connect more deeply from the inside out. It has been uncomfortable watching myself squirm away from just being and watching how desperately I try to find something, anything to distract and entertain.
I see some of the obstructions clearly
-the desire for external validation-enjoying those ‘likes’ a lot helped me notice that. So self validation is being asked for, ‘well done’ to me and resting in the arms of trust and surrendering up and over that sense of ‘not enough’ I walk around with.
-the desire to belong to a group and the subsequent self betrayal that can lead to such as the fear of shining too brightly and perhaps triggering any sense of threat or inadequacy they might have. I noticed how much I minimised and belittled myself around family and friends over the holidays. So painful to see that.
-the fear of raising my inner thermostat setting to allow in and out more love and joy and well-being. Letting the ego be in charge, checking for any new unfamiliar territory of copious success or happiness. This leads to a holding back on actions through fear or doubt, can be a hug to a work task.
-the allowing my thoughts to run unchecked with their untrue suggestions of fearful outcomes.
-the temptation to focus on the world or society wide situation which is rarely if ever useful or beneficial. I know I just need to be and act out the love I am and that is enough and leave the world alone.
I just have to notice. The obstructions are untangling themselves this way by themselves. All I have to do is renew my commitment to living the truth at any price and to surrender.
A few little tools in my box have been supportive. In bed this morning the mind started with its thoughts hinting at danger, and I was able to restore my peace with a hand on my heart generating some compassion and said
May I be well
May I be safe
May I be at ease
May I be happy
-And last night a little session of gratitude for all sorts of ways that I am supported and looked after by life and the planet.
-Keeping entropy at bay around the house with tidying and cleaning and small actions to make the place more beautiful.
-Taking the counselling forward since I see that this is a highly fruitful activity for me and my clients. No matter what state I’m in, I can always seem to be consistently there for people in that way.
-Sending love out to everyone that crosses my mind. I may not be very interactive just now but I can generate positive feelings and love to everyone.
-Savouring all positive feelings and experiences as they arise, no matter how small – the playfulness and mutual affection with the dog, the opportunity to thank another, the reassurance of a cup of tea
-Noticing beauty all around and feeling that unity and felt connectivity – the new catkins on the hazel trees, the highland cow licking the salt block, the pattern formed in the iced up puddle, the flock of crows taking off against the blue sky, the amaryllis flowering on the windowsill, the way the dog lies sleeping.
-Remembering to breath deeply
-Surrendering regularly all turbulence, fear, irritation that arises. I have done this constantly this week, every time I feel the temptation to become annoyed, I lean right back inside and while I allow it, by leaning back I don’t engage that part of me. It is like a surrendering to God. I’m reluctant to use the word God, but that’s what I’m doing in the act of surrendering. Not my will but thy will in a nutshell.
-Looking after the body by eating healthy food, nothing processed, next to no meat and a lot of raw fruit and vegetables. Odd cake or sweets treat. No longer taking honey or sugar in tea now. Taking mineral and vitamin supplements dailylong walks and resting. Long sleeps.
Yes it has been painful facing these things, however as I’ve learned to be there for myself and not abandon myself as I used to, and to lean on the greater intelligence and consciousness of which we are a part, it has become easier as I have felt supported.