How are you doing, it has been a while.
As I woke up I noticed some kind of mild suffering going on. It has been a while since I’ve felt much stress though this was once very normal for me. So I’m interested in what is going on.
First I put my hand on my heart and send myself some compassion and well wishes.
May I be well
May I be safe
May I be at ease
May I be happy
I breathe deeply a few times from low down in my tummy. That helped right away, I felt a little soothed by the kindness and touch of my hand. I notice that any kind of affectionate touch is soothing, even our own.
So today I notice some slightly elevated stress. Nothing I can identify in particular at the moment. That means that the threat detection part of my brain is a little alerted to some perceived threat. I wonder what.
I turn towards it with open curiosity.
I am aware some parts of me are finding the ‘nothingness’ of the recent ‘peace’ I’m experiencing quite discombobulating, especially the way it’s lasting day after day.
My old brain habits are trying to revert to the familiar ways of having a struggle of some kind perhaps. This is unchartered territory and I have only a sketchy map of other people’s experiences to guide me.
This whole inner process is creating ripples in the outside world too, in my ways of relating to my business to people including friends, family, workmates, employees. Nothing negative, just different, less involved perhaps.
The inner changes are working very well for my therapy client interactions though as I’m much much more receptive and able to listen very deeply. I have 5 or 6 clients a week now and feel the responsibility to them to do my best. That isn’t stressful, I trust myself.
I’m organising the next projects, and in negotiations with the clients over costs. I’m aware of the responsibility I have here too (the men’s jobs, the fiscal health of the business, getting the details correct, ensuring client expectations are met etc) but it’s not as stressful as it once was. I don’t really care if we get the jobs or not now. So while yes, responsibility is felt, it’s not life or death stress like it once felt like.
There’s 2 weeks holiday and wages to pay coming up without income coming in. Aware also that we have little money in the coffers business wise and so no bonuses this year. There’s a couple who deserve one though so I’m negotiating in my head how to make that happen if I can. A couple of the labourer guys on low wages with young kids with Xmas presents to buy especially.
I’m being alerted to something else I need to attend to – I have been responding with irritation again about the periodic loud footsteps on the very squeaky floorboards above. I go through phases of completely letting go of all that and not even noticing it, but lately I have slid back into my old habitual responses of judging. Judging that ‘they’ are invading my quiet space. I think this is what is to be addressed here. It is highly incompatible with everything I’m doing inside.
That is my answer. I’m dragging something with me that doesn’t belong. End of story. A complete surrendering of the ego’s judgement is required. Okay I’m on it.
Today I have walked and dropped the dog at the groomer’s. And now about to pick her up, go and visit the men on site and then visit my newly engaged 70 year old uncle Culbert and fiancée for tea. Must remember to get a present.
So to my fear I say, hello there fear. And I make a little song up and sing it out loud, fear fear fear, hello hello hello, how are you doing, I hear ya, I notice you, and it’s okay that you are here, thanks for offering your help.
One by Piet Mondrian before he went all abstract on us.