That’s not a complaint. Just recording the changing scenery here.
Vast impersonal space opens up, inside me and around me. Nothing is here or there. Not many thoughts, desires, emotions, likes, dislikes. Emptiness. And I feel disoriented. Nothing to grab or hold onto. Is this what stepping off the cliff feels like? There isn’t even much if any good old familiar fear at this moment.
I am a tiny bit in mourning. So I’m acknowledging this in respect to the personality that was so very attached to its desires and passions and dislikes and it’s unique specialness that are no more. Little of what previously gave me pleasure works at all now.
That old best friend, the cup of tea, just doesn’t taste very good at all now. It’s no longer familiar or comforting. I’m still drinking it though, I’m some sort of pointless stubborn hope that some pleasure might return. Starting to drink hot water. Don Juan Matus said to change habits….
Eating in general is just purely functional. I can eat some fruit, freshly made coleslaw and some freshly made soup. Not meat, bread or anything processed. Definitely no alcohol, the thought of that makes me feel ill. Mercifully some cakes work!
What does work?
-The mutual love with the dog, the crazy fun games with her, her enjoyment of the outdoors, the feel of her fur.
-Watching people like Eckhart Tolle or Angelo DiLullo on you tube, who talk about this state. It’s reassuring.
– Being outside in nature in the elements feels good. Looking at water, textures, clouds, trees, all of that feels 100% wonderful.
– Being with friends, for short periods and only sometimes.
– Being engaged with psychotherapy clients – just really listening sensitively and deeply and helping them rediscover their strength and power. Seems useful to the world and that feels worthwhile.
– Visiting the men on site is slightly enjoyable and watching the job progress.
– Exploring topics – and increasing understanding…..working on the relationship between procrastination and entropy for example just now. Mostly because I’ve got a client suffering from it.
“Empty yourself of everything, let the mind become still”. Tao te Ching