An Awake Day

A whole day nearly of being wide open and wide awake. The thought, ‘this is what enlightenment feels like’ arrived in. I set out with the dog for a good long amble in nature. Every second was a pleasure being fully present for it. Even walking along the main road beside traffic…I was the traffic and it’s sounds and it didn’t bother me. I was just inside every second. No resistance to being there, no desire for it to be a better experience.

My attention was not taken off away from what was happening into my mind and it’s stories. That stopped for the day. I was left alone to experience life without interfering in it. Just being there for it, showing up fully to each second. Profound peace was experienced. Anxiety a lot of miles away. No rush and pushing anything away or pulling anything towards me. Just stepping onto the ground appearing.

I was aware the whole time I was having not just a small, but a substantial glimpse. Because I knew it was here for a good while and wasn’t going to disappear, it was a very stable state. There was no suffering at all. I was curious watching a potential challenge to the state appear. A small crisis with a client’s irate neighbour. I just dealt with it with no emotion much, just functional. I did notice some residue inner commentary come up a few times later as the walk continued about that and other comments. But very aware of each thought that arrived and able to identify it and be conscious of each one as it was noticeable in the silence. So nothing stuck and sneaked past unconsciously to make an emotional response.

I walked, sat at the river, had soup, cake and tea at Pollok House, it was all perfection. Total surrender to what was in front of me happening, the sensations, the visuals. It felt very natural and familiar. I’ve been there many times in shorter glimpses though usually. This lasted almost all day.

Till I was back home and had a video call with an old friend. Then I had to tug on myself unnaturally to pull out some sort of acceptable relatable conversation subjects since I can’t explain what’s really going on for me. I was aware it was a strain.

Old relationships stimulate a much more scripted response from me, mostly from the well worn habitual responses. It doesn’t feel authentic. Also an accentuated awareness of the other’s state and reactions and facial expressions that we know so well, particularly insecurities. Perhaps we bring out old insecurities?

Lot of comparison takes place for people when feeling insecure, including me, and when feeling like that we find it hard to accommodate changes in others too. When I’m lost in feeling insecure (and so the fog of separation) and another seems to be ‘winning’ at life ‘better’ than me (that’s how the ego thinks) at that particular point I have to fake feeling happy for them as I’m really feeling jealous as I’m comparing my own sense of lack and ‘less than’ to their gain and want what they have. Hey, it’s only natural we gauge our own progress with our contemporaries. It’s just tricky when there’s a private secret practically religious process going on that can’t be explained.

I could feel a migraine starting. Then had a few hours on Zoom with my fellow therapist friends and that was deeper digging and exploring, and lot of honest vulnerable openness. That was energising but by then the migraine had taken hold and I left early and crashed out.

Awake 2-4am still with the headache with the creaking floorboard above and got annoyed 😒 for a while. That is my next surrender experiment. I keep going back and forth on this one. Overcoming the objection to it and then diving back into ‘this shouldn’t be happening’. Yet it is and so it should be happening. What suffering I can create for myself.

All in all a most unusual and beautiful day. This morning I have a new walk and talk therapy client in the park. An opportunity to relieve the suffering of another and to show them perhaps how to be kind with themselves. And the migraine is still here.

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