Testing the Wings

Up super early today and sitting gratefully cosy and comfy here on this December morning. Cold and dark outside.

All this walking to the edge of the cliff talk and intending inside so triggered such tremendous anxiety that I wondered if it was ever going to leave! Spent so many days feeling anxious about impending freedom and love about to descend on my poor little ego here, which is terrified it will cease to exist and can then no longer get to have its existence and prove it’s worth by warning me about all those terrifying possibilities that I may not be noticing and could be walking right into!

I used the anxiety as leverage to increase my trust and faith and focus on the process of growing up. Learning to say ‘I feel anxious’ was a big turning point. The resistance to feeling pain fell away when I do that, and I’m left with the anxiety itself which can’t really survive full attention on it and melts into the ether.

At the moment fear and anxiety have subsided, and it has allowed an opening up wider. And now a stillness is experienced and some moment of poise and equilibrium. No fear, wow. How unusual for me. I think the wings work.

I’ve got that zen ‘nothing to do, nowhere to go’ sense of life right now. Even though lots of activity is happening as normal of course. Got 2 construction sites underway and now have about 7 therapy clients a week too. It’s more a sense that I’m just stepping onto the ground prepared before me and occupying a quiet space in the moving world.

I’m watching how I respond to this expansiveness and stillness. I see the part of me that wants to grab onto something familiar to make it this cold clear light of truth feel more homely. I just ate half an avocado and then a big caramel biscuit in an attempt at some sort of comfort and now feel a bit yucky!

My eating habits are so different. I can barely eat anything I used to enjoy. Mostly just veg, soup….a banana, occasional other fruits. Biscuits and cake are the only processed food, no idea why. Almost no bread or meat. Not eating much quantity wise. Certainly no alcohol for a long time now. No interest at all or inclination. Not even enjoying my beloved tea and milk with honey either. Now drinking a splash of fresh orange diluted in hot water.

Everything is changing. Life feels different. More connected and more detached. Relationships to everything, people inc myself, business, the present moment are different.

I don’t know what else to say, I’m watching this unfold with interest. With my focus on the invisible, the soundless, the infinite. I want to see what happens next it’s so exciting. Into the unknown.

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