More accurately, I woke up NOT feeling scared or anxious at all which allowed my natural state of being to have a big space to be in. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works…..Fear squashes and constricts, rather it appears to, to us. It keeps the natural feeling good juju in a stranglehold and floods our bodies with adrenaline and cortisol. And experiencing this on any sort of ongoing basis is a miserable existence.
Today I’m curious about my noticeable lack of fearfulness. There’s normally at least some sort of undercurrent of anxiety or feeling of stress. Or a mind looking for danger, some sense that I should be worrying about something that I just haven’t thought of yet. But this morning it’s completely absent.
What did I do differently which caused the dramatic change?
I think primarily overall I’ve been getting really REALLY fed up with myself. With the way I’m being. The stress of it. Very tired of torturing myself by allowing worry thoughts to run rampant over my well-being. And thinking about the multiple crisis going on in the world that I can do little or nothing about.
I mentioned yesterday about learning ‘how not to be’ in the course of learning ‘how to be’, and there’s only so much I can take before I outlive, even temporarily, the ongoing stress. The body gives up after a while. It’s so expensive and exhausting to maintain stress.
So what else?
- Facing Fears. I have been facing the fears that the worries think they are protecting me from. One by one, all the worst case scenarios I’ve looked at and felt the fear they evoke of doom and gloom. I realise I will be fine with whatever life throws at me. It’s all a school. So a bit of courage kicked in. There’s nothing to be afraid of if I know I can handle anything. The courage was increased by developing self compassion.
- Self compassion. When we learn to direct deep caring and love towards ourselves, and ban self criticism, we set a part of ourselves free. That part in a self protective sort of prison are the various feelings that we may otherwise be afraid to feel. With self compassion in the picture I know I can be there for the scared little girl bit now. I abandon her less and less and have become a good chum to her. And that’s what gives extra courage to be honest and authentic.
- Getting enough sleep. I go to bed real early. That’s been transformative for me. I’m in bed at around 8 and asleep by 9.30 normally. I get 7-8 hours sleep most nights.
- Wise Guidance. This morning I put on Angelo DiLullo and played it on repeat for hours. “You walk to the edge and the edge will walk right to you, then you just step” says Angelo. So much wisdom going in as I drifted in and out of the sleep state. Reassuring me and filling the space with the cold clear light of truth. Here’s his website Simply Always Awake.
- Surrendering. Trusting the Process. Even in my most painful states of resistance and fear I state my willingness to surrender completely to the truth. To trust even when I’m petrified and not trusting. I know when I eventually do this with 100% of my being and will, there is a big surprise on the other side. Surprising because it will be nothing I can imagine but it will be beautiful and painless. As TS Eliot put it, ‘a condition of complete simplicity costing not less than everything”. That everything has been particularly petrifying for me. Fucking everything, like EVERYTHING. Yes, all of that which doesn’t matter that I thought mattered so much. And left with what really matters.
So here I am. A welcome feeling of well-being for this Wednesday. The dog has been to the groomer, tea is being drunk, soup being made on the stove, men working away, and I’m listening to Mr. DiLullo for the probably 20th time. I’m feeling primarily gratitude. Even though Bitcoin is down! 😂 I have that Zen ‘nothing to do, nowhere to go’ contentment.
Another photo from the other day in the beautiful wild countryside.