Travelling along in the ever present moment here if that’s not too much of a contradiction. There are many moments of exquisite beauty and joy and deeply very relaxing, and there are also many moments of strongly felt anxiety and discomfort. I travel through them all deeply experiencing as I go. And inside there’s a place that never changes. It is always still, receptive, quiet, noticing. I consume material every day for hours that reminds me of that place so that I may spend more time there. Be the ocean I am not the weather I often think I am.
I’m spending more time with psychotherapy clients recently. I’m no longer doing it voluntarily at the organisation I worked for, I’m out on my own and being paid now. I have 3 clients and another one starting this weekend for walk and talk therapy in the park. I’m reflecting on how I really wanted to become a therapist many years ago and now here I am, fully fledged and doing it. Well done me.
The business is trundling along. Kind of doing okay. We are making beautiful gardens but it’s not working financially with the supply chain the way it is. The clients are happy, the guys, the suppliers and I’m pretty much doing it for their satisfaction. How about that. Maybe that changes, can’t seem to shake off my indifference to ‘getting’ anything these days. Getting anything for myself that is. Their gain I also experience as if it is mine. Almost. I do still have to pay the bills and I’m making some attempt to keep up with rising prices.
I’ve just made a big pricing mistake mid job and have to go and explain myself today. It’s embarrassing. For the personality maybe but not really actually, I’m in touch with that deep part of myself that is still and quiet and observing. I even quite relish the thought of wondering how I will deal with it and have complete faith it will be fine whatever happens.
Daily walks in the woods continue, often with M. He is delightful company these days, focused as I am, on compassion, love and seeing through the thoughts we have that tell us untruths. Less and less talk about the world out there and what is wrong with it. More about savouring what is happening moment to moment and gratitude.
A couple of tricky sleeps recently. Waking up here and there and thoughts coming in that suggest threat. In that in between state of sleep and awakeness around 3 or 4am I seem to be particularly vulnerable to being grabs by them, believing them. Especially when it’s a stream one after the next. I was watching them the other night trying every angle they could to get me scared. Part of me was aware enough to be impressed by their ingenuity. They are so good at finding all the angles of approach, when one doesn’t work, another appears from a completely different place.
I recognise they are rubbish, so I put on a talk of a Buddhist nun reading Longchenpa with soothing sounds in the background and it dispels the thoughts when I’m unable to myself. I’m completely fine with asking for help when I need it, and so grateful it is there.
I’m straddling different worlds just now. It feels like that anyway. Ping ponging between love and fear, compassion and anxiety, focusing on what I see and what I don’t. And it is all very much okay.
May We be well
May We be safe
May We be at ease
May We be happy