Life continues to teach me about the futility of seeking refuge where there is none to be found. In material security, in friendships, a family, a warm home, in wise writings and teachers. I disappoint myself every time when I lean too much on any of these for my well-being. Yes some warmth, security and company are fun and a temporary joy for which I am grateful. Not when I’m trying to use it to fill a gap though, that leaves me wanting.
This is a Lone Ranger path for now and the only real help I have ever found is in surrendering to something I do not see or understand, which doesn’t talk to me in words, the Invisible, the Soundless, the Ineffable. And not what I can get either, but what I can give…..giving myself to life, the unknown to others and spreading love. As I let go of everything I think I hold dear, I discover even greater and unexpected gifts on the other side of that. Surrendering and giving allows me to be led by the signs and subtle indications present when I am quiet enough and open enough to be receptive to. The way a leaf drops from a tree, or watching a twig float down a stream.
I have so tussled with that in the business world where I’m supposed to want things like money and success and could never quite fall in love with that even though I have tried to look at it numerous ways to make myself want it. I wrote some days ago about a client that owed me over £5k, and that I was letting go of that money and I cancelled my attachment to wanting her to pay it. Well a couple of days ago she did pay it. My reaction was a quiet ‘oh good I can pay that supplier bill now’, then over. No big deal either way. She pays, she doesn’t pay, it’s fine. And she did.
If I find someone who is deep and good company…I want more of their company. I love the company of one friend so much that I have leant on that recently, seeing him most days. Beautiful trips to the country being in wild places together, and deep deep chats about everything. I so enjoy these experiences. I go off into a little fantasy that I’m not alone. And so when I lean on it, it becomes spoiled. He is good at spoiling harmony. And I keep inviting that experience back. And it reminds me that I was looking in the wrong place for refuge. I perfectly set myself up to learn that lesson. Thank you.
So right now I let go of my attachment to that. Let it go, let all looking horizontally for comfort go and stay with the relationship in and vertical. I will go and be with the wild things on my own today, quiet and still. First some toast and marmalade.