Life continues to teach me about the futility of seeking refuge where there is none to be found. In material security, in friendships, a family, a warm home, in wise writings and teachers. I disappoint myself every time when I lean too much on any of these for my well-being. Yes some warmth, security and company are fun and a temporary joy for which I am grateful. Not when I’m trying to use it to fill a gap though, that leaves me wanting.
This is a Lone Ranger path for now and the only real help I have ever found is in surrendering to something I do not see or understand, which doesn’t talk to me in words, the Invisible, the Soundless, the Ineffable. And not what I can get either, but what I can give…..giving myself to life, the unknown to others and spreading love. As I let go of everything I think I hold dear, I discover even greater and unexpected gifts on the other side of that. Surrendering and giving allows me to be led by the signs and subtle indications present when I am quiet enough and open enough to be receptive to. The way a leaf drops from a tree, or watching a twig float down a stream.
I have so tussled with that in the business world where I’m supposed to want things like money and success and could never quite fall in love with that even though I have tried to look at it numerous ways to make myself want it. I wrote some days ago about a client that owed me over £5k, and that I was letting go of that money and I cancelled my attachment to wanting her to pay it. Well a couple of days ago she did pay it. My reaction was a quiet ‘oh good I can pay that supplier bill now’, then over. No big deal either way. She pays, she doesn’t pay, it’s fine. And she did.
If I find someone who is deep and good company…I want more of their company. I love the company of one friend so much that I have leant on that recently, seeing him most days. Beautiful trips to the country being in wild places together, and deep deep chats about everything. I so enjoy these experiences. I go off into a little fantasy that I’m not alone. And so when I lean on it, it becomes spoiled. He is good at spoiling harmony. And I keep inviting that experience back. And it reminds me that I was looking in the wrong place for refuge. I perfectly set myself up to learn that lesson. Thank you.
So right now I let go of my attachment to that. Let it go, let all looking horizontally for comfort go and stay with the relationship in and vertical. I will go and be with the wild things on my own today, quiet and still. First some toast and marmalade.
All the things you list at the start of your post add to our life, and can bring some satisfaction. But, as you say, they still leave a gap and don’t provide any kind of permanent refuge.
LikeLiked by 1 person