I’ve heard it called that. A few days of inner agony mostly on than off for days and days…angst, anxiety, worrying. Then it subsided. I’m never entirely sure why these bouts arrive the way they do, and how they pass.
I have practises that I’ve written about before here. The tummy breathing, walking, sitting in nature, cycling, eating well, writing a gratitude list or a ‘what’s working in my life’ list.
I did a few of these, but I suspect it’s something more to do with me just giving up. And giving my pain and agony up to something greater in trust. An admission that I don’t know what to do and that I’m open to guidance.
The desperation takes me to surrender, to asking for help. Sitting at a quiet spot by the river and staring at nature, breathing gives me space to do that rather than sitting at a screen.
I have no idea how to solve my earthly challenges which rise to take centre ground and then recede again without them actually getting more or less difficult. It’s what I do with my attention and the urgency or fear I attribute to them.
Yes the business is seriously struggling financially. A lawyers letter arrived from one supplier. Always a bad sign! My new motor home has a very hefty repair bill a month after I bought it. My dear old friend disappeared after being in my life most days. So yes, fear, loss and disappointment in one week.
And yet here I am now, and I am back. Back to being the ocean watching my inner waves chip chop around. Some waves are super high and try to grab my attention and some small and insignificant.
What do I do? I state my willingness inside to surrender over and over. I asked the ‘universe’ for help. I admit my powerlessness to make everything perfectly smooth. I see that it’s not supposed to be all smooth, that there’s nothing wrong that challenges appear. So I remove the resistance to that. I say out loud, I’m scared, I feel angry, disappointed, frustrated, lonely or whatever is going on. It’s all right.
This is after coasting along for many days in a state of peace inside, of intensified sense of being present, not much thinking, mostly love and appreciation. There are no major problems there in the present when I’m not thinking, and if issues pop up in life to deal with I know what to do.
And then BAM! Big backlash. Though that’s not exactly an accurate description of the process, though it feels like a backlash. And perhaps the ego is trying to regain ‘lost ground’ in a way. Old familiar territory of how I used to live, in a state of struggle largely.
What is happening is ‘pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding’, as Khalil Gibran put it.
I surrender myself fully and commit to the goal of being in a state of quiet, of love and unity with everything all the time….to giving up resistance and complaint…..I expose myself to higher and ‘higher’ states, accepting life exactly as it is and then what stands between me and being in that state fully and permanently pops up to be addressed.
Catalysts in the ‘outer’ world bring up the mud of old defence strategies. Simple. That’s the process. Over and over and over till the commitment is complete.
To just be with the disturbed state, notice what it wants while at the same time surrendering to love. Turning towards the disturbance and embracing it with compassion. Embrace my suffering bits with compassion.