I haven’t smoked actual cigarettes for about 7 or 8 years but I replaced it with vaping. I think I was on a very low quantity of nicotine, 6ml. It’s now day 4 in of not vaping and I’m finding it uncomfortable not doing it. Withdrawals.
That sense that something is missing. It’s a feeling only an addict would recognise I think. I’ve got this sense that I’m condemned for the next week at least to tolerate it to get though to the other side where you stop thinking about it, and the triggers lessen and lessen.
A friend sent me an academic paper showing it interferes with recovery from strokes so that seems like a no brainier. I was okay with vaping with ambiguous outcomes knowing it was definitely better than smoking but to continue engaging in something that amounts to self harm while I recover from this stroke….
Normally I don’t do that these days. My brain psyche seems upset with this lack of nicotine and without the grounding effect of the ritual side of it. which gives me something to do alongside other activities. Now it’s a bit of a void. So many many times a day I grab my vape machine and it gives me a little dopamine comfort hit and now it’s gone.
I’m noticing the slant it’s having on my thoughts quite often. Finding myself going back to the odd negative thought and fixating on them from a self critical perspective, calling myself names and reprimanding myself. I feel a bit lower in mood too. I notice a little dopamine hit missing and also the way that vaping and drinking tea drinking ritual missing.
So whole days ahead without smoking! Oh. My brain is communicating that will be horrible, yet I’m pretty sure it won’t be a horrible day. There will be nature, walking, maybe a meeting with a friend, maybe a cycle, fruit eating, a warm house a loving dog, educational material to read and watch.
Later. Of course I got through the day, of a little edgy feeling. Beautiful cycle through the woods with the dog, a chance meeting with friends, a sit by the river while the dog splashed around, and a few hours at my allotment in the sunshine. What’s not to like! Well no nicotine that’s what. I assume as the days pass I will forget it, the way I did about having a gin at night. A few more edgy days perhaps and that will be it.
From earlier, for my interest only – if you’re anything like me I don’t like reading about other people’s dreams.
5am and want to get these down.
Later one I was called back to a client whose grounds I had designed some 6 years previously. I had set the men up on one part of it and they had started ordering and getting organised. We had met the clients extensive staff and I stayed later to get my bearings on the project and was shown around before going to see the client. There was a feeling of plenty of everything – to details like a woodworking station/desk for anyone who wanted to do woodworking. The staff dog jumps up on me affectionately near the woodworking bench – I’m told he loves the old man who normally works there and misses him, they take a photo and laugh affectionately. And there is a place for flower arranging….the staff seem to have everything they want and need creatively while they do their work and everyone seems so happy and joyful.
That side of the project was for the son mostly who lived on that part of the property. There was to be an evening patio with a massive party fire pitarea more like a dramatic stage set with stars, the son and moon and extensive seating.
I went over after to meet the client and discovered after all that -mthat it was only a small part of the project they had decided to do, immediately outside their house. A courtyard. I met their happy kids who were about to join their class in the schoolhouse which the client owned next to their house.
They wanted to pay the price I had given them previously, obviously not possible which I said. He said he would pay cash which I also said was not possible as I pay through my bank. He said he would show me how. I’m uncomfortable and getting anxious at that point – explained the men had already started ordering materials for the whole project. I see he had other designs from other people there too, I compliment one. I wonder if that was wise as he took notice of that. I think I don’t want it now anyway. It will be nearly double the price and I feel deflated that I seem to have encountered more very wealthy people trying to get a bargain from me. Is it another one who wants out quality but not willing to pay….is seems so. I’m getting ready to walk. I’m thinking I don’t understand that mentality.
I’m overall so delighted and pleased by the quality of everything around me there. Every single object I have seen has been beautiful, there are priceless antiques mostly from around the world, even the garden objects. I wonder what that must be like. I reason that it must become normal or be normal if that is all you know. I love experiencing the apex of life’s potential there. This is what is can be like for us all I think.
The previous dream was also very detailed. This time my sister had booked an old castle, more like a french chateau or large house in the countryside for the whole family to stay at for a few weeks. I enjoyed exploring it – many many rooms, mostly neglected and needing windows opened which I did. Neglected former glory was the theme, not beyond redemption but needing love for sure. Beautiful details in the rooms though, but staying to show evidence of wear and water even getting in in places. It was a magical other world.
Learning to Rest with it All 