Inner cogs turning quietly


Sometimes I have to let them do their thing, find their new places and timing. Seem to be moving into new territory again, stronger, more confident and more vulnerable too ironically. It means stepping away from some familiar reference points, as the old ones tempt me back into old ways. Not anything wrong with the old ways, they are just not the new way, and don’t fit with the new feel. I have to experiment, I’m enjoying being unpredictable to myself.

Old friends and family, it’s not working for me at all. At this moment. I saw my mum for Mother’s Day. She isn’t happy just now, lockdown is now getting to her like so many others who feel lonely and isolated. Normally a stoic type, this time she was craving admiration and attention, the type I don’t have much of for her. Especially when there’s a slight demand for it in the air and a whole story in her head about me not visiting enough. Her narcissistic supply is running low, I’m so familiar with that aspect of her.

With dear old friends and family, I wonder if we even see each other, through the coloured lenses of our own projections onto them of who we think they are and how they are expected to behave. And that coming back at us too. Ironic that sometimes a stranger or new friend can sometimes see us more clearly. And I love how I can experiment with myself and my way of expressing in the company of new people – free from the burden of expectations that come from familiarity.

Recently I’ve happily distanced myself, and I feel much more authentic and free. Lockdown has been brilliant for that, next to no obligations to meet anyone. Without any external locus of validation, it forces me to become more stable and quiet inside, to go further towards that internal locus of validation. To find my own happiness and not look to others. No requirement to explain myself to anyone. Just learning and more learning and enjoying.

Joy in the simple things, noticing the abundance all around, savouring each joyful moment. Appreciation magnified. Peace. I know, it’s not a very exciting story. A couple of new hobbies here. Some indoor growing going on, loving my houseplants as I don’t have a garden. Been getting into bitcoin and cryptocurrencies and enjoying that a lot. And this is some frogspawn I collected yesterday. I’m going to chum them along and marvel at their journey.

2 Comments

  1. it is amazing how differently this pandemic has affected everyone. For a good few months i was enjoying the peace and alone time, not having the obligations and expectations. But at some point the crushing loneliness and isolation started getting to me, and it still does. i was sober and smoke free going into it, then strayed back to bad habits.I fear this time around i wont succeed as easily or at all. But i keep at it , nothing else to do. So glad you are doing well and finding some new perspectives:) hugs!

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    1. I get that too a lot, and if I remember immediately turn towards myself with love and caring and kindness and patience. I’ve started seeing feeling uncomfortable as a reminder to do this. I say I love you in the mirror as I pass it and smile at myself. I give myself a literal hug. I think about what is going well. I think about what I’ve achieved. I know you have a long list too x

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