Inside – I’m whizzing along here, digging deeper into the source of joy and setting it free. Then periods of consolidation and adjustment, self soothing for all those little fears that arise in relation to life going well. The mindfulness, gratitude practise, breathing, loving and being kind to myself, daily exercise in nature and other elements of my mental health toolkit are becoming daily habits and hold me steady. I do get a bit giddy at times with feeling happy, and nature walks keep me grounded. I’m not used to feeling this happy and I’m giving myself time.
In the past I’ve sabotaged it, to take myself back to more familiar ground, struggle n strife. This time at ease with the world is becoming familiar ground – I still need to allow all those decades time to settle with it. To understand that it’s not dangerous.
I like playing in the mud. Yesterday I found a natural spring, bunged up with leaves, so I cleared the flow with a stick and joyfully watched the new stream I’d created. This is my idea of fun. And so metaphorical too.
Outside – Great conversations with friends too. I feel more creative in my thoughts, more agile and in the moment. Many deep discussions are food for my heart and head. With E, who has become my regular Tuesday walk, and M, the old flame turned best friend most other days. A best friend who historically spoils our relationship with poisonous anger though.
We spent over 3 hours out there today, long walks and long contemplative sits, finished with a fresh donut from the park van and tea. I can’t help wondering how long that can last though. That anger he is prone to always puts a stop to hanging out for me. I just won’t allow it now, I respect myself too much. However these days we are discussing anger and he seems to be changing which is great. I’m a little wobbled by the intensity of closeness I feel with him. I love and want it and to become even closer and then inside yells ‘wait a minute here’, he has hurt me way too much in the past. He has started dating someone now anyway, so that’s probably for the best. I get a close buddy without the volatility, or with less volatility anyway. Saves me from that longing idealistic romantic inside that gets me into trouble. Being single if nothing else does bring stability.