Is it easier to connect with this Centre at these times or harder I wonder. For me the fearful worldwide situation has thrown me way off centre many times these last months. I’ve been gripped by a fear lasting for days and days sometimes.
The pain of that has given me the impetus to strengthen daily healthy habits of thought and behaviour to stay balanced. I’ve had to. The extra effort I’ve put in has shown me how happy and calm I can be when I do the work. When I actually want to be happy. I never really asked for that from life before. I avoided it mostly, and I didn’t feel I deserved to ask for that.
Now I wonder what I’m doing withholding that from myself. I let everything else in, why not joy? So the new behaviour experiment has being allowing in happiness and joy. Let’s see what happens when that is not avoided. The unexpected has been happening!
I found myself making up a song out loud to Elsa the dog this morning as I got dressed. That is unheard of pretty much for me to do such a thing. It shows me how creativity and expression wants to come out when it isn’t squashed by fear.
Back at my kitchen table here, waves of feelings arise and fall. Anxiety is a regular, as is gratitude appreciation and love. Then anxiety comes back, parts of me aren’t quite sure of this new happier state. “Is it safe? But but what if, and what if….” it says. Sometimes I listen and I get more anxious. Sometimes I don’t and let it go with a reassuring pat. “It’s okay, small steps, plenty of time to feel out the new ground.”
I know I am now better prepared for whatever life presents, as I am here for myself as I would be for a beloved friend, being kind and patient. Chumming myself along and supporting instead of how I used to relate to myself. I’ve spent many years practising self rejection, self criticism, and self abandonment. These last 10 years have been a reversal of that and a big healing is taking place. How to love and embrace oneself. It’s such a great question.
seriously- you must be my lost sister or something like that.. i love reading your posts. they are so…ME…i love the internal dialogue here that you included. Sometimes even joy takes a little efort and pushing beyond fear..i’m trying to do that too this week..thanks Susan!
LikeLiked by 1 person