From dancing with joy in the woods in the rain the other day to a slump in mood and a 3 day headache, this week has had some range to it. And to just keep healthy practises going regardless of the current ‘mood’.
I am experiencing beautiful little glimpses of freedom these last weeks, and at unexpected moments often. In the woods I was listening to some music and out of me emerged an expressive flowing dance. I let my body go completely and it did what it wanted, and the movements were a fun surprise to me. It was pouring with rain and not a soul in sight. Just the dog and I and the trees. What a joy. I don’t think I’ve done that in the woods before, though I’ve been finding myself doing that quite often in the house, a little free dancing and seeing what the body does. It’s delightful to watch and experience myself moving to the sounds.
The increase in these moments has coincided with the surrender experiment I continue to do following Michael Singer’s instruction. I’m pretty sure that they are related. I’ve taken a big step towards accepting life as it arrives, instead of trying to control, monitor and manipulate it so that I feel okay inside.
So the neighbours make a noise. Instead of putting on the radio to drown out the sound, feeling like a ‘victim’ of the noise, going into an inner rage and making them my enemies or trying to imagine soundproofing measures, I’m instead allowing myself to experience the disturbance inside. And not going anywhere with it other than just that.
Something is happening that I don’t like, and I feel disturbed. I don’t want to hear their noise and yet here it is, it is happening. They don’t even know how loud it is, they are just leading their actually very quiet lives. There is a desire to alter it so I feel okay inside again, but I’m not doing that. The more I succeed with this, the less I notice the noise. The more I give into anger about it the more the slightest noise sets off more anger. I have a choice. Take it, open and surrender, or resist and tense up.
I arrive in the supermarket and instead of putting on headphones, I let myself hear their unpleasant music. Yesterday I enjoyed hearing what awfulness they were playing and the challenge of not trying to avoid disturbing feelings. After a few seconds I stopped noticing it. Previously I’d get very stressed at having to hear it I was so determined not to.
Someone is driving too slow for my preference in front of me, I can just relax with not getting my own way. I can choose not to go into angry predator mode driving right up behind them to show my annoyance. I breathe, and slow down to their pace. It’s okay! I notice my frustration at the thwarted desire to go faster and I allow it. A decision is made in each moment – to close and tense up in resistance to what is happening or to open and breath and allow. And feeling self compassion if fine too at these times.
These are the common ones that I experience almost every day . My little perfectly designed by life for me tests.
So for some reason succeeding in passing these tests most or at least some of the time, perhaps 70%, has led to me being more relaxed in general.
Perhaps I subconsciously feel less afraid of experiencing life’s intensity. Perhaps also I’m less fearfully anticipating the next event happening that I don’t want.
And I’m withdrawing from a lifelong habit. I’ve partly built my identity around traits that I’ve gathered to give some sense of self definition through life. ‘I’m this I’m that, I like this I don’t like that’…..and one for me was ‘I’m just an irritable person, my moods are a little volatile due to this, and I’m outspoken and demanding about my preferences. I have miso-phonia. I’ll always be like this’. These went from truths for me to no longer certainties. There is a disorientation from dropping these self identifications. The ego reels, no longer having that to hold onto and bolster its shaky existence.
And meantime, a new taste of freedom arises from this battleground, just automatically without me trying to create it. It was waiting all the time for me to notice and allow it. From attempting to live in a world of separation to reinstating the truth of the essential unity of me, you and us with everything, a mighty weight of the shame and guilt (of believing a lie) is released. Less guilt-more joy 🤩