I went for one walk with Michael, a beautiful open sharing interaction and he even apologised for the anger outbursts/ending contact. The next walk started with him angry with some guy doing something he didn’t like, and the walk ended with him directing anger at me. We were discussing anger and he seemed to have backtracked on the precious conversation on ego the day before, and said it is passion and ‘you white people don’t understand’. We walked back in near silence. Somehow anger tears the fabric of the air, it sends love and well-being to the background. I didn’t want to be there. I felt disappointed that I was not experiencing what I wanted to be experiencing, love, harmony and closeness.
Reflecting on it, I see my desire to have a friendship with him led me to push the anger=ego subject as he would have to stop the anger outbursts for me to have a friendship with him. Over many years that anger of his has ended our friendship many times and it is painful.
Where I went wrong is by pursuing that desire rather than being in the moment and leaving the outside world alone to unfold as it will. I was not free of pushing an agenda, even if it’s a loving one. It’s not how The Tao moves. And so I accept my part in creating that disharmony.
Since then my mind has been busy and disturbed. In the grip of reactiveness. I didn’t get what I want so the mind goes into ‘solving’ that. Now I will sit with the pain of not getting what I want, and be kind to myself.
I’m listening to Eckhart Tolle. Best to skip the first 5 mins.
Learning to Rest with it All 