A recent chance encounter with an old flame who then became a long time close friend presented itself one day in the park a few weeks ago. I decided after the walk with him not to resume contact. While he was his lovely open, funny, intelligent and good company self……He has a behaviour pattern that makes it hard to stay friends despite all his wonderful qualities. He distances from me using anger, a technique he uses to push others away and avoid being close.
I noted that an energy was present between us that never seemed to go away entirely in all these years. Dangerous that is, attraction confuses my gauge that senses what is good for me. It became a less and less sustainable friendship though as I grew to love myself and develop more self respect. I pretty much had to betray myself to stay friends with him. I’d ‘walk on ice’ so as not to annoy him and I tolerated his emotional incontinence and bad temper. To the point I was practically giving him permission to indulge it.
Then a week later while walking with my good friend Ewan, we bumped into Michael again. He joined us and they got on like long lost best friends, and there was great chat, vulnerable and open and spiritual and funny and trusting. The three of us had a remarkably great time together and spent 3 hours in the park. Lots of fizzing energy and laughter. Ewan invited him to our Tuesday walking sessions and so this Tuesday he joined us again. Another fantastic encounter for several hours and a good dynamic between the 3 of us.
Ewan left and Michael asked if I was going to the park the next day and I went with the moment and said yes and I’d text him. So yesterday I spent a few hours walking and talking and sitting with him. I wanted to address my doubts about resuming a friendship with him. We discussed how he uses anger outbursts to make sure he doesn’t get close to me or anyone and how destructive it is to relationships. I was watching to see how defensive he was going to be, which would gauge how allied with these ego outbursts of temper he is still.
He apologised for the past and acknowledged it needs addressed. Not without putting up some resistance though first. I’ve heard this before many times, I gave him chance after chance and he always destroyed our rapport eventually and disrespected me with short temper outbursts. Let’s see how it goes this time. I’ve changed now, and this will be a good test for me. It is mighty good having someone to talk about anything with in my walks and all the more valued in these times of increase social isolation. I just don’t want to find him coming into my mind too much which he already is.
I rolled the coins on the IChing page and This sentence jumped out. Uncannily accurate in its description of a pattern of mine.
“Sometimes we pursue what is bad for us to reinforce a fear of intimacy, as if we know the situation is not sustainable”
Here’s the wonderful site if you’d like some wise feedback on life right now.
Learning to Rest with it All 