I sit here day after day with very little I have to do or want to do. I feel tired much of the time, and long long hours stretch before me nearly every day. A fatigue I haven’t had for a while is back. I wonder if it’s connected to my surrender experiment. The distinctive lack of anxiety is still present, wow, how many days weeks and months did I spend in deep anxiety, always with the feeling that something is wrong or on the verge of.
In the morning there’s emails to a couple of clients, odd meeting arranged, amendments to drawings sent to the cad technician, a look at Twitter, Facebook, the news sites. I take the dog for the first walk or cycle and come back tired. Only manage about 20 minutes just now. Lie about here for 6 hours and go back out to the woods around 5 or 6. I listen to podcasts, audiobooks and watch videos of people like Marc Leavitt, Tara Brach, Eckhart Tolle, Michael Singer, Adyashanti and other spiritual nutritionists. It’s a strange existence. I revisit Facebook, Twitter, the news far too many times while doing this. Scrolling scrolling…..never sure what the point is of that. Need to do something. Treading water times. It’s pretty perfect in nearly every way though, in terms of freedom. I often wonder why I’m feeling out of sorts, then I remember we all are a bit, it’s a global pandemic.
The surrender experiment continues, and I now welcome the opportunity to practice using the noises upstairs. To experience the discomfort/annoyance fully and do nothing. It’s often not annoyance now though, more like a sensation in my body. It was the other night in bed though, I got annoyed and did taken action to avoid it. Some failures are tolerated.
This experiment has taken me further into even greater solitude I notice, I was avoiding that, it’s a fear of mine but actually no big deal. I’m not actually separate from anyone or anything. But who would understand the thinking behind allowing yourself to get annoyed and disturbed without taking any action. It might sound a bit mad.
I see that I’m resisting discomfort still, holding out and not applying the experiment to some areas yet. And that’s okay. More areas are popping up to be addressed gradually towards a more complete surrender. The vaping. I do this to avoid the discomfort of withdrawals and because it’s something to do with my hands. It’s going to be time soon though, can feel the decision coming. Drinking tea all day. I might have got rid of the caffeine but there’s the sugar addiction, a dose of honey every hour. Theres the facing of the days without these crutches without knowing what will happen, what to do next…
For now there’s plenty of practice in the park and here in this flat. There’s the annoying barking of dogs, screaming children, cackling magpies. I breath and I feel my annoyance, desire to avoid, get an annoyed inner commentary going about them, and I surrender it, give it up, sit back behind it. Some days there’s a lack of material to practise with so I linger where the noise is. Other days old habits have me walking away automatically before I’ve realised. That’s okay too.
Now going to see the men on site, walk the dog, and client at 11.