My surrender experiment continues here, giving up my objections, the desire to change things to suit the ego’s dictates, the irritation and anger and the judging thoughts that go with those.
I’d guess only about 20% or less of my thoughts are directed by me and the rest just happen without me doing anything. Automatic, continuous and not stoppable. I see how each one is desperate to be believed. Yet so very few are believable on closer examination. ‘Is this true?’. ‘Do I know it’s true without a shadow of a doubt?’.
‘They shouldn’t be making that noise’. If I agree with that one, it’s instant resistance to the noise going on, complaint, irritation and anger, and more thoughts about how to get things ‘just right’ for my ego dictates. I’ve been been known to say out loudly ‘For fucksake!’ at some noise above or putting my music on at an unnecessarily punishing volume. That’s how much the ego was running the show.
Even if I don’t have the thought about the noise, I’ve objected to others making noises (and doing various other things) my whole life so the nervous system is trained to respond habitually with resistance and anger. I’m just not adding to the drama by letting the thoughts run on too. I can just experience, let the feelings arise, come in and pass by without a fuss or drama.
The physical side is still pretty unfamiliar, and I don’t know if it is connected with the surrender experiment. I’m waking up feeling so well and relaxed, anxiety barely present for the last few weeks. I just don’t seem to be concerned about the things that made me feel anxious before.
A fatigue present all the time though. Sometimes I have to sit out in the woods after just 1km, other times I cycle round the park no problem. Just back from a cycle actually. Eating habits are odd too the last couple of weeks. I cut the carbs and on more fat and protein. So twice a day it’s delicious strawberries or raspberries and extra thick double cream, and a bit of meat in between, cheese. Just going with it for now. Weight dropping off slowly. Don’t feel the need for all those ‘treats’ to make me feel better. Alcohol is a distant memory just now. Tried to persuade myself to get a few cans of pimms the other day but just didn’t want it. Chocolate, sweets, cakes….doesn’t appeal.
Other areas of life up for reconsideration and having a long overdue review of is my screen time, and a closer look at the effect of reading so much news, and social media are having on me. There is a fear present here. ‘What will you DO though’, the mind pleads. I have no idea. I’ll have to just stop and see what arises I think.