Happy and a bit Lost


I awoke feeling well rested and actually a touch blissful. In a gentle little private heaven. Pleasure in my bones. Still almost entirely anxiety free which is a welcome novelty I’m easily getting used to. I’m deeply relieved to be able to feel myself again. Anxiety had become my normal these last years and it was more novel when I didn’t feel it than when I did.

A therapy client on Zoom first thing today. Helping him face his anger and underneath it, anxiety and to change his relationship with himself to a kinder and more self soothing one. Giving him behavioural alternatives to shouting at his kid when he is triggered and increasing his will to get on top of his habitual ego responses. It’s been working a treat and he is now down to once a month after 6 weekly sessions. What an honour and privilege to take part in this intimate relationship with another. Thank you.

Then a 2 mile walk in the park up the river with the dog, a chat with a fellow dog walker and a fisherman, took a few nature photos, stooped for a bit of grocery shopping, then home to raspberries and extra thick cream and decaf tea. Going decaf made a big difference around a month ago, anxiety down a notch or two from that alone. Now what will I do?

I’m not feeling well physically still. Been like this for almost the last week. It’s like a cold without the runny nose, a flattened energy and mood. I was even wondering if I’ve got covid. No temperature or cough though, can still taste fine. Nearly no appetite. Mildly sore throat. Lying on the sofa now. No energy or motivation at all really. And yet it doesn’t feel quite physical. I could easily jump on the bike and cycle a few miles. Might do that later. Yet I feel quite exhausted in some other way.

Examining my daily habits and some more changes are required. I waste endless hours doing nothing worthwhile, just filling up the space. Now it’s no longer feeling appropriate. I’m scared though. What to do instead of faffing all day?

The vaping. It’s not working any more either, next to no enjoyment from it. I’m scared when I think about finally giving up the remnants of my life long smoking habit….it’s going to be time very soon though. I’ve been cutting down the nicotine percentage with a view to stopping.

All the news reading I do, the various websites of the newspapers and the BBC, sky news, RT….so many, so often through the day. I don’t care about any of it. And I’m not getting anything beneficial from it, other than filling time. That goes for random browsing too on Facebook and Twitter and other sites. And looking up info on covid. All of this is not working at all.

I am unable to watch much ‘entertainment’ either these last few weeks, films or dramas, it’s just not capturing or maintaining my attention. I try and switch it off, try another, switch it off. Managed a half hour documentary last night about life in Ethiopia.

All of this, vaping, internet browsing, news reading…..it isn’t working any more. I’m going to bore myself to an early death at this rate.

If I don’t do this, what will I do all day instead? A good question. Maybe I just stop and see what happens, see where my attention goes?

What do I do that is worthwhile and enjoyable? Reading and learning about positive psychology, looking after the plants, taking care of the wonderful loving dog. Little tiny bit of cooking, not too bothered about food really. Psychotherapy with clients, designs interactions and activities for other clients, visiting the men on site. Going to the nursery to get plants. Shopping for the men’s work clothing. Having a shower. Sleeping. Walking in nature, varying the routes and exploring and noticing with all senses what’s around, taking beautiful photos and sharing them to my park fan page. Cycling through trees, around the pond, up the river with the dog running along. Stoping to say hi to a neighbour. Listening to audiobooks. Listening to music, especially loud in the car. Rarely does this take up a full day. I have about 6 hours at least of free time during the day. I wonder what is next.

I wait for the first batch of noises upstairs. Stomp stomp, and its fine. No problem now. When I think of how afraid I was facing the noise and disturbing feelings at first! I was so nervous, wasn’t sure I could, and was determined to give it a good shot. That was just a couple of weeks ago.

Oh here’s some footsteps right now actually, bang, thump, now squeaking….I breath from below the solar plexus. A ripple of irritation comes, I relax with that. It barely gets to irritation now, it is still a disturbing sensation though of some kind, resistance. I sit sort of behind myself as I experience it and it is quite quite okay. I can handle it. Just keep going. It’s just daily life in a city going on around me. Breath. Another round of banging stomping creaking. I watch how the mind wants to make a story,some sort of judgement of the people upstairs, making up some guilt to apply to them. “They shouldn’t be…”, “they should be…” stories and fabrications to justify the anger and irritation of the ego which wants things ‘just so’.

So often the outside world isn’t just so the way we want it exactly. So might as well accept that.

Options for what to do with these long days?And winter appearing too now.

I could take on more psychotherapy clients. That would be both useful, and fulfilling. Yes…let me consider that.

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