Fine fizzling energy

I’m slowly breathing in and out from low down the body many times a day to stay grounded, and walking, cycling, writing here, and sleeping and resting a lot. I feel a bit fluey actually, not long up and feel like lying down again….hard to define though.

Mundane everyday events are helpful, scrubbing the floor, going to the plant nursery, patting the dog, visiting the guys, organising work, progressing designs with clients….big spaciousness though even though it sounds like a lot, an enormous space to be in.

Something of a release to not live in anxiety of impending, expected, or actual disturbing or ‘bad’ events happening around me to ‘make’ me feel not okay. Now feeling ‘not okay’ is an exercise and opportunity to relax and release, over and over and over. A game. Relax and release. Practising small steps in a consistent direction with little if any expectation, knowing it’s the right action at this time is enough. What a joy to have that direction and purpose.

The noises start each day several times from the flat above, my disturbing annoyed angry anxious objecting resisting feelings arise and I relax with those and give them up. I don’t act on them by turning on the radio so I can’t hear the noise so don’t get disturbed. If hostile thoughts appear, I give them up. Relax and release it all. I turn the radio off so that I get maximum opportunity to practise. Been starting to add other noises I get irritated about, people banging doors, dogs barking…And other opportunities will appear. Small steps and I’m aware I can tumble backwards anytime I decide to side with my ego, and it’s all too much or I bottle out and decide ‘I can’t handle’ the disturbing feelings but for now I’m pushing on and enjoying the journey into unknown territory.

It feels like a space has been left that the familiar anxiety was occupying. Recently when anxiety comes it’s much more noticeable. And the various flavours of negativity are more keenly felt. The news, Facebook, the neighbours gossip…feeling the pull into those worlds, the attraction of a shared reality with others. I observe the anxiety as it arises, it isn’t so overwhelming at the moment. It’s experienced within a much larger overarching state, like an unpleasant sensation in ones elbow. How interesting.

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