Sitting with Successes

And after the initial feeling of the win, now sitting less than comfortably.

I was going to wait till I’d processed this some more so that I could give some insightful reflections. I am still in the discomfort a few days on though, so thinking that it may help to just write through about what’s being experienced.

So 2 pretty excellent things happened this week. My graduation online with tutors and classmates, and official Post Graduate Diploma arrived saying that I’m now a fully qualified Cognitive Behavioural Therapist.

And I got the go ahead for a big project which will keep the men in work till after Xmas. The one I was worried about not getting last week.

I experienced a high on experiencing both, joyful celebration, and a carefree dance to Donna Summer on the 70s radio station. ‘Woohoo, This is good!’ I felt it fully and enjoyed it. I felt a little alone with it so I shared my qualification success with a few family members and friends on WhatsApp and enjoyed the ‘well done’s and others sharing my success with me.

So an altogether very good week. An experience of life going well. Success. Moving forward. Rewards of work and effort. New opportunities.

Now what….an ache in my being, reduced concentration, motivation, lack of interest in taking info in, even watching films or series. Listlessness, don’t know what to do, don’t feel like doing anything. A low mood. Not being fully in my body. An intangible anxiety. An increased willingness to waste time in meaningless activity, clicking on crap all day. Including depressing news.

Spent hours yesterday after graduating online, trying to talk an old friend out of killing himself. Even though I found it really very stressful. Hours and hours of talking to a deeply unwell depressed person rationalised with his distress is much greater than mine.

And also yesterday was in a slight conflict with a potential client, who wants a visit but won’t go though my protocol for screening new clients who live far away. Like some info about what they want. Instead she has called me 7 times in 24 hours and left messages and sending texts to urgently call her. Which I don’t do. I looked her up as the behaviour was unusually demanding, entitled and narcissistic and turns out she’s a director and overall manager of just about the most famous perfume house in the world. That explains it somewhat. Still sitting uneasy with me right now though. Don’t like conflict, but if that’s the price of honouring my wishes then…so be it.

So where did the joy of my breakthroughs go? Did I extinguish the fire of relishing these precious moments with conflict, and choosing the company of a suicidal friend? By submerging in depressing news? The futility of looking for any lasting satisfaction in passing events?

And an energy slump. The definite full stop on the 3 years of study has resulted in a space to experience exhaustion from the strenuous effort. And the certificate and receiving the well done from the course director made it real.

And the big job? A big sigh of relief, a nervous system relaxing after a week or two of anticipation of bad news and the worry of finding more work for the men. So an understandable slump there too.

So what do you do that is healthy with little energy for anything much? I’ve been for early morning cycles round the park with the dog. Bumped into a good fiend and had a chat. Had a walk too in the woods. That works.

But in the house what? Eating light and healthy, making salads every day. Cleaning, been doing a bit of that. Repotting plants. Tidying. Setting little achievable goals that improve life even in a minor way. Going to clean out the communal bin store today, nobody has done that in years, started it yesterday. Practical hands on activity. Maybe some weeding. Breathing consciously. Time to get up and go to the park. Small healthy life supporting activities. Here’s one from the other night’s stroll.